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SueJayeJohnson_2017S-_我们教导孩子性爱时少教了什么？_
I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child. 我還記得小時候, 姑姑幫我梳頭髮。
I felt this tingling in my stomach, this swelling in my belly . 肚子裡那種搔癢的感受, 慢慢鼓脹的熱度。
tingling:v.感到刺痛;强烈地感到;(tingle的现在分词) swelling:n.膨胀;肿胀;肿胀处;v.膨胀;肿胀;(使)鼓出;(使)增加;(swell的现在分词) belly:n.腹部;胃;食欲;v.涨满;鼓起;
All her attention on me, just me. 她所有的注意力都在我身上, 只在我身上。
My beautiful Aunt Bea, stroking my hair with a fine-bristled brush. 我美麗的畢雅姑姑, 用鬃毛梳一下 又一下梳著我的頭髮。
stroking:v.轻抚,抚摩;轻触;轻拭;(stroke的现在分词)
Do you have a memory like that that you can feel in your body right now? 你有沒有像這樣的記憶, 到現在還讓你記憶猶新？
Before language, we're all sensation . 在語言出現之前, 我們全靠感覺。
sensation:n.感觉;轰动;感动;
As children, that's how we learn to differentiate ourselves in the world -- through touch. 孩提時代,我們用觸摸 界定自己在世上的位置
differentiate:vi.区分,区别;vt.区分,区别;
Everything goes in the mouth, the hands, on the skin. 把東西放進嘴裡、 抓在手上,或用皮膚去感覺。
Sensation -- it is the way that we first experience love. 感性 是我們最初體驗到愛的方式。
It's the basis of human connection. 它是人類連結的基礎。
We want our children to grow up to have healthy intimate relationships. 我們希望我們的孩子長大後 能有健康、親密的關係。
intimate:n.知己; v.暗示; adj.亲密的;
So as parents, one of the things that we do is we teach our children about sex. 身為父母, 我們會做的其中一件事就是 教我們的孩子關於性愛的知識。
We have books to help us, we have sex ed at school for the basics. 我們有書籍幫助我們, 在學校也有基本的性教育。
There's porn to fill in the gaps -- and it will fill in the gaps. 有色情書刊影片來填補中間的缺口, 而它們確實填 滿 缺 口。
porn:n.淫秽作品;色情书刊(或音像制品等)(等于pornography); gaps:n.差异,缺口;缝隙(gap的复数形式);v.裂开;使豁裂(gap的第三人称单数形式);
(Laughter) （笑聲）
We teach our children "the talk" about biology and mechanics , about pregnancy and safe sex, and that's what our kids grow up thinking that sex is pretty much all about. 我們教我們孩子的「那場談話」, 是關於生物的做法的, 關於懷孕和安全性交的, 在成長過程中,孩子大概就會 認定性愛就是全部了。
biology:n.(一个地区全部的)生物;生物学; mechanics:n.机械师;机械修理工;技工;力学;机械学;(mechanic的复数) pregnancy:n.怀孕;丰富,多产;意义深长;
But we can do better than that. 但我們能做得更好。
We can teach our sons and daughters about pleasure and desire, about consent and boundaries , about what it feels like to be present in their body and to know when they're not. 我們能教導我們的兒子女兒 了解愉悅和慾望, 同意和界線, 靈肉合一的感受, 和靈魂出竅的時刻。
consent:vi.同意;赞成;答应;n.同意;(意见等的)一致;赞成; boundaries:n.边界;分界线;(boundary的复数)
And we do that in the ways that we model touch, play, make eye contact -- all the ways that we engage their senses. 而我們的做法是, 我們會模仿觸摸、玩樂、 做眼神接觸－ 動用感覺的各種方式。
contact:n.接触,联系;v.使接触,联系; engage:v.吸引,占用;使参加;雇佣;使订婚;预定;
We can teach our children not just about sex, but about sensuality . 我們能教孩子的不只是性愛, 還有感性。
sensuality:n.好色;淫荡;喜爱感官享受;
This is the kind of talk that I needed as a girl. 我小時候就需要這樣的談話。
I was extremely sensitive , but by the time I was an adolescent , 我當時非常敏感, 但當我成了青少女之後,
extremely:adv.非常,极其;极端地; sensitive:adj.敏感的;感觉的;易受影响的;n.敏感的人;有灵异能力的人; adolescent:adj.青春期的;未成熟的;n.青少年;
I had numbed out. 我麻木了。
The shame of boys mocking my changing body and then girls exiling me for, ironically , my interest in boys, it was so much. 男孩們取笑我身體的改變, 讓我感到羞恥, 女孩們因為我對男孩的興趣, 而背棄我 難以招架。
mocking:adj.嘲弄的;v.嘲笑(mock的现在分词); exiling:n.流放,充军;放逐,被放逐者;流犯;vt.放逐,流放;使背井离乡; ironically:adv.讽刺地;说反话地;
I didn't have any language for what I was experiencing; 我無法用言語形容 我當時所體驗到的;
I didn't know it was going to pass. 我不知道它會不會過去。
So I did the best thing I could at the time and I checked out. 所以我做了當時我能做的最佳決策, 我決定逃避。
And you can't isolate just the difficult feelings, so I lost access to the joy, the pleasure, the play, and I spent decades like that, with this his low-grade depression , thinking that this is what it meant to be a grown-up. 你不能只把難過的感受分離開來, 所以我也失去了樂趣、愉悅、玩樂, 我數十年都那樣過日子, 帶著這種劣等的沮喪, 想著,原來當大人就是這麼一回事。
isolate:v.孤立; n.[微]分离菌; low-grade:adj.低级的;品质低劣的; depression:n.沮丧;洼地;不景气;忧愁;
For the past year, 過去一年,
I've been interviewing men and women about their relationship to sex and I've heard my story again and again . 我訪談了很多男男女女, 談他們和性愛的關係, 我一次又一次聽到我的故事。
interviewing:v.对(某人)进行面试;(媒体)采访,访问;(interview的现在分词) again and again:adv.再三地,反复地;
Girls who were told they were too sensitive, too much. 女孩們被別人說是太敏感、太過頭。
Boys who were taught to man up -- "don't be so emotional ." 男孩被別人教導要有男子氣概－ 「不要這麼情緒化。」
emotional:adj.情绪的;易激动的;感动人的;
I learned I was not alone in checking out. 我發現,我不是唯一逃避的人。
It was my daughter who reminded me of how much I used to feel. 是我女兒提醒了我, 讓我想起我以前的感受多深。
reminded:v.提醒;使想起;(remind的过去分词和过去式)
We were at the beach. 我們在海灘上。
It was this rare day. 那是個難得的日子。
I turned off my cell phone, put in the calendar , "Day at the beach with the girls." 我把手機關機, 在日曆上記著 「和女孩去海灘的日子」。
calendar:n.日历;挂历;v.把…记入日程表中;
I laid our towels down just out of reach of the surf and fell asleep. 我把我們的毛巾放在 海浪剛好沖不到的地方, 然後就睡著了。
surf:v.冲浪;进行冲浪运动;(互联网上)浏览;n.激浪;拍岸浪花;
And when I woke up, 當我醒來時,
I saw my daughter drizzling sand on her arm like this, and I could feel that light tickle of sand on her skin and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair. 我看到我女兒把沙子 這樣灑在她的手臂上, 我可以感覺到她的皮膚因為 沙子造成輕微癢癢的感受, 接著我就想起了我的姑姑幫我梳頭。
drizzling:n.细雨;毛毛雨;v.下毛毛雨(drizzle的ing形式); tickle:v.(使)发痒;逗乐;使高兴;使满足;n.痒;胳肢;呵痒;痒感;
So I curled up next to her and I drizzled sand on her other arm and then her legs. 我爬到她旁邊, 我把沙子灑到她的另一隻手臂上, 接著是她的雙腿上。
curled:adj.卷曲的;鬈发的;v.[纸]卷曲;环绕(curl的过去分词); drizzled:v.下毛毛雨;下蒙蒙细雨;(毛毛雨似的)洒落;(drizzle的过去分词和过去式)
And then I said, "Hey, you want me to bury you?" 接著,我說:「嘿, 你想要我把你埋起來嗎？」
bury:v.埋葬;隐藏;
And her eyes got really big and she was like, "Yeah!" 她的眼睛睜得好大,說:「好啊！」
So we dug a hole and I covered her in sand and shells and drew this little mermaid tail. 所以我們挖了個洞, 我用沙子和貝殼把她蓋起來, 畫出小美人魚的尾巴。
shells:n.壳;壳状物;炮弹;v.炮击;给…去壳(shell的第三人称单数和复数) mermaid:n.美人鱼(传说中的);女子游泳健将;
And then I took her home and lathered her up in the shower and massaged her scalp and I dried her off in a towel. 接著,我帶她回家, 按摩她的頭皮, 用毛巾把她擦乾。
lathered:n.肥皂泡;激动;vt.涂以肥皂泡;使紧张;狠狠地打;vi.起泡沫; massaged:v.按摩;推拿;美化(事实);虚报(数量);(massage的过去分词和过去式) scalp:n.头皮;带发头皮;标志;v.(作为战利品,从被杀的敌人头上)剥下带发头皮;
And I thought, "Ah. How many times had I done that -- bathed her and dried her off -- but had I ever stopped and paid attention to the sensations that I was creating for her?" 我心想: 「啊,每天我日復一日這麼做－ 幫她洗澡,把她弄乾－ 但我是否曾經停下來留意 她現在的感受？
bathed:adj.沐浴的;淋漓的,湿透的;沉溺的;v.沐浴;(bath的过去分词); sensations:n.感觉;轰动;感动;
I'd been treating her like she was on some assembly line of children needing to be fed and put to bed. 我對待她的方式, 彷彿她正在一條裝配線上, 需要被餵飽送上床 睡覺的孩子的裝配線。
treating:v.以…态度对待;把…看作;处理;讨论;(treat的现在分词) assembly line:na.装配线;
And I realized that when I dry my daughter off in a towel tenderly the way a lover would, 我突然意識到, 當我像情人般溫柔地 用毛巾把我女兒擦乾時,
tenderly:adv.温和地;体贴地;柔和地; lover:n.爱好者;情侣;热爱者;
I'm teaching her to expect that kind of touch. 我就是教導她去期待那樣子的觸碰。
I'm teaching her in that moment about intimacy . 在那一刻,我在教導她什麼是親密。
intimacy:n.亲密;密切;关系密切;性行为;
About how to love her body and respect her body. 教導她如何去愛、去尊敬她的身體。
I realized there are parts of the talk that can't be conveyed in words. 我了解到,「那場談話」 有一部份是無法用文字傳達的。
conveyed:vt.传达;
In her book, "Girls and Sex," 佩吉奧倫斯坦寫了一本書,
writer Peggy Orenstein finds that young women are focusing on their partner's pleasure, not their own. 叫「女孩與性」,在書中,她發現 年輕女性會把焦點 放在讓伴侶愉悅上, 而非讓自己愉悅。
This is something I'm going to talk about with my girls when they're older, but for now, I look for ways to help them identify what gives them pleasure and to practice articulating that. 當女兒們再大一些時, 我會想要和她們談, 但,現在,我希望協助她們 認識愉悅的來源, 以及如何表達她們的需求。
identify:v.识别:鉴定:确认:发现: what gives:出了什么事; articulating:v.清晰地发(音); adj.发音清晰的;
'" Rub my back," my daughter says when I tuck her in. 當我哄女兒上床時, 她說:「揉搓我的背。」
Rub:n.擦;抹;搓;揉;v.擦;磨;搓;(使)相互磨擦; tuck:塞进,折叠,卷起; n.(衣服或织物的)褶;
And I say, "OK, how do you want me to rub your back?" 我說:「好,你希望 我怎麼揉搓你的背？」
'"I don't know," she says. 她說:「我不知道。」
So I pause, waiting for her directions. 所以我暫停下來,等她的指示。
Finally she says, "OK, up and to the right, like you're tickling me." 終於,她說:「好,向上向右, 就像你在搔我癢一樣。」
Finally:adv.终于;最终;(用于列举)最后;彻底地; tickling:v.(使)发痒;逗乐;使高兴;使满足;(tickle的现在分词)
I run my fingertips up her spine . 我把我的指尖順著她的脊椎向上移。
fingertips:n.指尖;(fingertip的复数) spine:n.脊柱,脊椎;刺;书脊;
'"What else?" I ask. 我問:「還有呢？」
'"Over to the left, a little harder now." 「移去左邊,現在再用力一點。」
We need to teach our children how to articulate their sensations so they're familiar with them. 我們需要教導我們的孩子 如何清楚表達他們的感受, 她們才知道如何表達。
articulate:vt.清晰地发(音); vi.发音; adj.发音清晰的; familiar:adj.熟悉的;常见的;亲近的;n.常客;密友;
I look for ways to play games with my girls at home to do this. 我希望我可以和她們 在遊戲中達成這個目標。
I scratch my fingernails on my daughter's arm and say, "Give me one word to describe this." 我用我的指甲抓我女兒的手臂,說: 「用一個詞來形容這感覺。」
scratch:n.擦伤; adj.打草稿用的; v.抓; fingernails:n.手指甲;(fingernail的复数) describe:v.描述;形容;把…称为;画出…图形;
'" Violent ," she says. 她說:「暴力。」
Violent:adj.暴力的;猛烈的;
I embrace her, hold her tight. 我擁抱她,緊緊摟著她。
embrace:n.拥抱,怀抱;v.拥抱;乐意采纳(思想、建议等);信奉;包括;
'"Protected," she tells me. 她告訴我:「被保護著。」
I find opportunities to tell them how I'm feeling, what I'm experiencing, so we have common language. 我會找機會告訴她們我的感受、 我的體驗, 我們才會有共通語言。
Like right now, this tingling in my scalp down my spine means I'm nervous and I'm excited. 就像現在, 從頭皮延著脊椎一路下來的輕癢, 意味著我很緊張也很興奮。
You are likely experiencing sensations in response to me. 你可能也會我的感受 而有些共鳴。
in response to:响应;回答;对…有反应;
The language I'm using, the ideas I'm sharing. 我使用的詞語、 我分享的想法。
And our tendency is to judge these reactions and sort them into a hierarchy : better or worse, and then seek or avoid them. 我們傾向將這些感受分級, 把它們分類、分階層, 較好的、較差的, 接著去尋求或避免它們。
tendency:n.倾向,趋势;癖好; reactions:n.反应;回应;抗拒;生理反应;副作用(reaction的复数) hierarchy:n.层级;等级制度; seek:v.寻求;寻找;谋求;
And that's because we live in this binary culture and we're taught from a very young age to sort the world into good and bad. 那是因為我們住在二元文化中, 很小的時候,我們就被 教導要把世界分成善與惡。
binary:adj.[数]二进制的;二元的,二态的;
'"Did you like that book?" 「你喜歡那本書嗎？」
'"Did you have a good day?" 「你今天過得好嗎？」
How about, "What did you notice about that story?" 為什麼不說「對那個故事, 你注意到什麼？」
'"Tell me a moment about your day. 「你今天有什麼特別的事。
What did you learn?" 你從中學到什麼？」
Let's teach our children to stay open and curious about their experiences, like a traveler in a foreign land. 讓我們教導孩子 對他們的經驗體驗保持開放和好奇心, 就像在異地的旅人。
curious:adj.好奇的,有求知欲的;古怪的;爱挑剔的;
And that way they can stay with sensation without checking out -- even the heightened and challenging ones -- the way I did, the way so many of us have. 這麼一來, 他們就不會逃避自己的感覺－ 即使是很強烈很挑戰的感覺－ 不要像我以前那樣, 不要像我們許多人那樣。
heightened:v.(使)加强,提高,增加;(heighten的过去式和过去分词)
This sense education, this is education I want for my daughters. 這種感覺教育, 是我希望我女兒能接受的教育。
Sense education is what I needed as girl. 我小時候需要的就是感覺教育。
It's what I hope for all of our children. 我也希望所有我們的孩子都能得到。
This awareness of sensation, it's where we began as children. 這種對於感覺的意識, 是我們身為孩子的起始點。
awareness:n.意识,认识;明白,知道;
It's what we can learn from our children and it's what we can in turn remind our children as they come of age . 是我們能夠向孩子學習的東西, 也是我們能夠反過來 提醒她們的東西, 當她們逐日成長。
come of age:达到法定年龄;
Thank you. 謝謝你們。
(Applause) （掌聲）