返回首页

MandyLenCatron_2015X-_相爱容易相守难_
I published this article in the New York Times Modern Love column in January of this year. 今年1月份 因为爱上某人的感觉非常奇妙,
column:n.栏目,纵队;
'"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This." 《想爱上某人,你要这么做》
Fall in Love With:爱上......;与......相爱;
And the article is about a psychological study designed to create romantic love in the laboratory , and my own experience trying the study myself one night last summer. 然后四目相对, 如何在实验室创造出浪漫的爱情, 我自己在去年一个夏夜 也完成了这项试验。
psychological:adj.心理的;心理学的;精神上的; romantic:adj.浪漫的;爱情的;n.浪漫的人;耽于幻想的人; laboratory:n.实验室,研究室;
So the procedure is fairly simple: two strangers take turns asking each other 36 increasingly personal questions and then they stare into each other's eyes without speaking for four minutes. 过程很简单: 两个陌生人轮流问对方36个问题,问题越来越私人化, 然后四目相对, 一言不发地对视4分钟。
procedure:n.步骤;手术;(商业、法律或政治上的)程序; fairly:adv.相当地;公平地;简直; take turns:按顺序来 increasingly:adv.越来越多地;渐增地; personal:adj.个人的;身体的;亲自的;n.人事消息栏;人称代名词; stare:v.凝视;盯着看;注视;n.凝视;
So here are a couple of sample questions. 我选出了其中几个问题。
Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? 问题12:如果你明早醒来能获得一项品质或能力, 你希望是什么？
Number 28: When did you last cry in front of another person? 问题28:你上一次当着别人的面哭是什么时候？
By yourself? （上一次）独自哭泣呢？
As you can see , they really do get more personal as they go along. 如大家所见,这些问题的确越来越私人化。
As you can see:正如你所看到的;你是知道的;
Number 30, I really like this one: 问题30,我很喜欢这一个:
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things you might not say to someone you just met. 告诉对面的人,你喜欢他（她）什么, 要非常诚实, 说一些你也许不会对初次见面的人说的话。
So when I first came across this study a few years earlier, one detail really stuck out to me, and that was the rumor that two of the participants had gotten married six months later, and they'd invited the entire lab to the ceremony . 因此当我几年前偶然听说这个实验的时候, 有一个细节真的打动了我, 我听到传言,说有两个参加实验的人 在半年后结婚了, 他俩邀请了整个实验团队去参加婚礼。
rumor:n.谣言;传闻;v.谣传;传说; participants:n.参与者(participant的复数形式); ceremony:n.典礼,仪式;礼节,礼仪;客套,虚礼;
So I was of course very skeptical about this process of just manufacturing romantic love, but of course I was intrigued . 当然,我非常怀疑 这种完全人造的浪漫爱情, 但同时我也很好奇。
skeptical:adj.怀疑的;怀疑论的,不可知论的; process:v.处理;加工;列队行进;n.过程,进行;方法,adj.经过特殊加工(或处理)的; manufacturing:n.制造业;工业;v.制造;生产(manufacture的现在分词); intrigued:adj.感兴趣的; v.密谋; (intrigue的过去式和过去分词)
And when I got the chance to try this study myself, with someone I knew but not particularly well, 当我自己也有机会去完成这个实验时 ——和一个我认识但不是很熟的人——
particularly:adv.特别地,独特地;详细地,具体地;明确地,细致地;
I wasn't expecting to fall in love. 我完全没想到我们会陷入爱河。
But then we did, and -- 但是我们真的陷进去了,而且——
(Laughter) （笑声）
And I thought it made a good story, so I sent it to the Modern Love column a few months later. 我认为这是一个精彩的故事,所以几个月后,我将它发给了 “现代爱情”专栏。
Now, this was published in January, and now it is August, so I'm guessing that some of you are probably wondering, are we still together? 今年一月,文章发表了, 现在是八月份, 所以我想你们中间肯定有人在想, 我俩是不是还在一起？
And the reason I think you might be wondering this is because I have been asked this question again and again and again for the past seven months. 我之所以知道你们想问, 是因为过去七个月里, 我已经被问了无数次。
again and again:adv.再三地,反复地;
And this question is really what I want to talk about today. 我今天真的想回答这个问题。
But let's come back to it. 但是让我们先说说别的。
(Laughter) （笑声）
So the week before the article came out, 在文章发表前一周,
I was very nervous. 我非常紧张。
I had been working on a book about love stories for the past few years, so I had gotten used to writing about my own experiences with romantic love on my blog . 我一直在写一本关于爱情的书, 已经好几年了, 我已经习惯于在我的博客上 分享我自己的爱情经历。
blog:n.博客;部落格;网络日志;
But a blog post might get a couple hundred views at the most , and those were usually just my Facebook friends, and I figured my article in the New York Times would probably get a few thousand views. 然而博客可能最多只有几百人在看, 而且大多数是我“脸书”上的好友, 而我发表到《纽约时报》上的文章, 可能会有几千人看。
at the most:至多,不超过;
And that felt like a lot of attention on a relatively new relationship. 对一段刚刚确定的关系而言, 关注的人有点太多了（不是件好事儿）。
relatively:adv.相当程度上;相当地;相对地;
But as it turned out, I had no idea. 但对随之而来的事情,我毫无准备。
So the article was published online on a Friday evening, and by Saturday, this had happened to the traffic on my blog. 这篇文章上线 是在一个周五的晚上, 到周六的时候,我的博客访问量（暴涨）成了这个样子。
And by Sunday, both the Today Show and Good Morning America had called. 到周日的时候, 《今日秀》和《早安美国》都给我打电话了。
Within a month, the article would receive over 8 million views, and I was, to say the least, underprepared for this sort of attention. 一个月之内,这篇文章被点击超过800万次, 所以,对我而言, 我对如此高的关注度毫无准备。
underprepared:adj.准备不充分的;准备不足的;
It's one thing to work up the confidence to write honestly about your experiences with love, but it is another thing to discover that your love life has made international news -- 鼓起勇气,如实写出 自己的恋爱经历是一回事; 而发现自己的爱情故事 成为国际新闻就是另一回事了。
confidence:n.信心;信任;秘密;adj.(美)诈骗的;骗得信任的;
(Laughter) （笑声）
and to realize that people across the world are genuinely invested in the status of your new relationship. 更别说全世界人民 都在关注你的新恋情进展了。
genuinely:adv.真诚地;诚实地; invested:v.投资;投入;(invest的过去分词和过去式) status:n.地位;状态;情形;重要身份;
(Laughter) （笑声）
And when people called or emailed, which they did every day for weeks, they always asked the same question first: are you guys still together? 人们每天给我打电话,发邮件,持续了好几周, 他们都会问同样的问题: 你们还在一起吗？
In fact, as I was preparing this talk, 实际上,在我准备这次演讲时,
I did a quick search of my email inbox for the phrase "Are you still together?" 我在收件箱里搜索句子, “你们还在一起吗？”
inbox:n.收件箱;收文篮;
and several messages popped up immediately. 蹦出来好多结果。
They were from students and journalists and friendly strangers like this one. 问的人有学生,有记者, 还有善意的陌生人,就像这一位。
journalists:n.新闻记者(journalist的复数);
I did radio interviews and they asked. 我参加电台访谈节目,他们也会问我。
interviews:n.面试; v.对(某人)进行面试(或面谈);
I even gave a talk, and one woman shouted up to the stage, "Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?" 甚至有一次我在做演讲,有一位女士大叫着跑上台, “嘿,曼迪,你的男朋友呢？”
And I promptly turned bright red. 我立刻就脸红了。
promptly:adv.迅速地;立即地;敏捷地;
I understand that this is part of the deal. 我能理解他们的反应。
If you write about your relationship in an international newspaper, you should expect people to feel comfortable asking about it. 既然你在一家国际性的报纸上写出自己的爱情故事, 你就应该预料到大家会毫无顾忌地问这问那。
But I just wasn't prepared for the scope of the response . 但我只是没想到反响会如此之大。
scope:n.能力; v.仔细看; response:n.响应;反应;回答;
The 36 questions seem to have taken on a life of their own. 这36个问题仿佛有了自己的生命力。
In fact, the New York Times published a follow-up article for Valentine's Day, which featured readers' experiences of trying the study themselves, with varying degrees of success. 实际上,《纽约时报》为情人节又发表了 一篇后续文章, 讲的是读者们自己进行实验的经历, 他们的成功率各不相同。
follow-up:adj.后续的;增补的;n.随访;跟进;后续行动; varying:adj.不同的;变化的;v.变化,改变(vary的现在分词);
So my first impulse in the face of all of this attention was to become very protective of my own relationship. 所以面对如此多的关注,我的第一反应 就是要保护我的恋爱关系。
impulse:n.冲动;[电子]脉冲;刺激;神经冲动;推动力;v.推动; in the face of:面对; protective:adj.防护的;关切保护的;保护贸易的;
I said no to every request for the two of us to do a media appearance together. 对于所有要我俩共同接受采访的媒体, 我都拒绝了。
media:n.媒体;媒质(medium的复数);血管中层;浊塞音;中脉; appearance:n.外貌;外观;外表;
I turned down TV interviews, and I said no to every request for photos of the two us. 我不接受电视采访, 我拒绝提供两人的合照。
I think I was afraid that we would become inadvertent icons for the process of falling in love, a position I did not at all feel qualified for. 我觉得我是害怕被贴上 对待爱情太过随意的标签, 我接受不了这种评价。
inadvertent:adj.疏忽的;不注意的(副词inadvertently);无意中做的; not at all:毫无;一点也不;不用谢; qualified:adj.有资格的; v.合格; (qualify的过去分词和过去式)
And I get it: people didn't just want to know if the study worked, they wanted to know if it really worked: that is, if it was capable of producing love that would last, not just a fling , but real love, sustainable love. 我明白: 人们不光想知道这实验有没有效, 他们还想知道这实验会不会真的成功: 也就是说,刻意制造出来的爱情能否持久, 不是昙花一现,而是能持续下去的真爱。
capable:adj.能干的,能胜任的;有才华的; fling:v.猛扔;扔,掷,抛,丢;n.一阵尽情欢乐;一时的放纵; sustainable:adj.可以忍受的;足可支撑的;养得起的;可持续的;
But this was a question I didn't feel capable of answering. 但这个问题我没办法回答。
My own relationship was only a few months old, and I felt like people were asking the wrong question in the first place . 因为我的感情也才开始几个月而已, 而且我觉得这个问题问得不对。
in the first place:首先;起初;
What would knowing whether or not we were still together really tell them? 知道我俩是否在一起能起什么作用呢？
whether or not:是否…;
If the answer was no, would it make the experience of doing these 36 questions any less worthwhile ? 如果我们分手了, 是不是意味着做这36道题 就没什么意义了呢？
worthwhile:adj.值得做的,值得花时间的;
Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote about these questions in this study here in 1997, and here, the researcher's goal was not to produce romantic love. 这些问题最初是亚瑟·阿伦博士 在1997年的这项研究中设计出来的, 当时,研究者的目的并不是要制造爱情。
Instead, they wanted to foster interpersonal closeness among college students, by using what Aron called " sustained , escalating , reciprocal , personalistic self-disclosure." 而是想增进 大学生之间的人际关系, 通过阿伦所谓的 “持续的、不断深入的、双向的、自我人格剖析”。
foster:vt.培养;养育,抚育;抱(希望等);adj.收养的,养育的; interpersonal:adj.人际关系的;人际的; closeness:n.亲密;接近;密闭;严密; sustained:adj.持续的; v.维持; (sustain的过去分词和过去式) escalating:v.(使)逐步扩大,不断恶化,加剧;(escalate的现在分词) reciprocal:adj.互惠的;相互的;倒数的,彼此相反的;n.[数]倒数;互相起作用的事物;
Sounds romantic, doesn't it? 听起来真是浪漫啊,不是吗？
But the study did work. 但这项研究确实有效。
The participants did feel closer after doing it, and several subsequent studies have also used Aron's fast friends protocol as a way to quickly create trust and intimacy between strangers. 参与者确实感觉比实验前更亲密了, 随后的几项研究同样使用了阿伦的快速交友模式, 以此来在陌生人之间迅速地建立信任,消除隔阂。
subsequent:adj.后来的,随后的; protocol:n.协议;草案;礼仪;vt.拟定;vi.拟定; intimacy:n.亲密;密切;关系密切;性行为;
They've used it between members of the police and members of community , and they've used it between people of opposing political ideologies . 他们将这种方法用在警察和社区成员之间, 用在持不同政见的人群之间。
community:n.社区;[生态]群落;共同体;团体; opposing:adj.对立的; v.反对(计划、政策等); (oppose的现在分词) ideologies:意识形态;
The original version of the story, the one that I tried last summer, that pairs the personal questions with four minutes of eye contact , was referenced in this article, but unfortunately it was never published. 这个故事的初始版本, 也就是我去年夏天完成的, 将私人问题和4分钟眼神交流结合在一起, 在这篇文章里也提到了, 但不幸的是这篇文章从未被发表。
original:n.原件;原作;原物;原型;adj.原始的;最初的;独创的;新颖的; contact:n.接触,联系;v.使接触,联系; referenced:v.查阅;参考;给(书等)附参考资料;(reference的过去分词和过去式) unfortunately:adv.不幸地;
So a few months ago, I was giving a talk at a small liberal arts college, and a student came up to me afterwards and he said, kind of shyly , "So, I tried your study, and it didn't work." 几个月前,我在一所小型文理学院 做演讲, 演讲结束后,一名男生过来找我, 他怯生生地说, “嗯,我试过你的方法了,但是不管用。”
liberal arts:自由教育; shyly:adv.害羞地;羞怯地;胆怯地;小心地;
He seemed a little mystified by this. 他看起来很迷茫的样子。
mystified:v.迷惑;使迷惑不解;使糊涂;(mystify的过去分词和过去式)
'"You mean, you didn't fall in love with the person you did it with?" I asked. “你的意思是,你没有爱上跟你一起做实验的那个人？”我问。
'"Well..." He paused. “也许……”他停顿了一下。
'"I think she just wants to be friends." “我觉得她只想与我做朋友。”
'"But did you become better friends?" I asked. “但你们的关系是不是比以前更好了？”我又问。
'"Did you feel like you got to really know each other after doing the study?" “你有没有觉得实验之后,你俩对彼此的了解都有所加深？”
He nodded. 他点了点头。
'"So, then it worked," I said. “那么,这个实验就是管用的。”我说
I don't think this is the answer he was looking for. 我知道这不是他想得到的答案。
In fact, I don't think this is the answer that any of us are looking for when it comes to love. 事实上,我认为这不是任何人想要得到的答案, 尤其是他们在寻找爱情的时候。
I first came across this study when I was 29 and I was going through a really difficult breakup. 我第一次完成这个实验的时候 是29岁, 当时我正在经历一场非常痛苦的分手。
I had been in the relationship since I was 20, which was basically my entire adult life, and he was my first real love, and I had no idea how or if I could make a life without him. 这段感情是从我20岁时开始的, 几乎贯穿了我成年后的所有岁月, 他是我第一个真正爱的人, 我无法想象没有他的人生会是怎样。
basically:adv.主要地,基本上;
So I turned to science. 于是我求助于科学。
I researched everything I could find about the science of romantic love, and I think I was hoping that it might somehow inoculate me from heartache . 我研究了所有我能找到的关于爱情的科学资料, 我觉得我当时是想以此来疗伤。
somehow:adv.以某种方法;莫名其妙地; inoculate:vt.[医]接种;嫁接;灌输; heartache:n.心痛;悲叹;
I don't know if I realized this at the time -- 我不知道当时我有没有意识到这一点——
I thought I was just doing research for this book I was writing -- but it seems really obvious in retrospect . 我认为自己只是在为写的书做研究—— 但事后回想,当时确实是想借此疗伤。
obvious:adj.明显的;显著的;平淡无奇的; retrospect:n.回顾,追溯;vi.回顾,追溯;回想;vt.回顾;追忆;
I hoped that if I armed myself with the knowledge of romantic love, 我当时希望用爱情的知识武装自己,
I might never have to feel as terrible and lonely as I did then. 也许失恋带来的伤害和孤独感就不会那么强烈。
And all this knowledge has been useful in some ways. 这些知识最后都或多或少发挥了作用,
I am more patient with love. I am more relaxed . 我对爱情更加有耐心。我变得不那么执着。
patient:adj.有耐心的,能容忍的;n.病人;患者; relaxed:adj.轻松的;冷静的;v.放松;休息;宽慰;(relax的过去分词和过去式)
I am more confident about asking for what I want. 我也更加有自信去追求自己想要的。
confident:adj.自信的;确信的;
But I can also see myself more clearly, and I can see that what I want is sometimes more than can reasonably be asked for. 但同时我也能更加清晰地认识自己, 我发现我想要的很多, 有时候甚至是一些只能意会的东西。
reasonably:adv.合理地;相当地;适度地;
What I want from love is a guarantee , not just that I am loved today and that I will be loved tomorrow, but that I will continue to be loved by the person I love indefinitely . 我希望爱情是一种保障, 并不仅仅是今天被爱, 或者明天被爱, 而是被我爱的这个人永远地爱下去。
guarantee:n.保证;担保;保证人;保证书;抵押品;v.保证;担保; indefinitely:adv.不确定地,无限期地;模糊地,不明确地;
Maybe it's this possibility of a guarantee that people were really asking about when they wanted to know if we were still together. 也许大家关心我俩是不是还在一起 真正的原因在于 大家都想看看这种保障是否真的存在。
So the story that the media told about the 36 questions was that there might be a shortcut to falling in love. 因此媒体对这36道题的故事感兴趣的真正原因 在于大家好奇:爱情是否存在捷径。
shortcut:n.近路;捷径;快捷方式(图标);
There might be a way to somehow mitigate some of the risk involved , and this is a very appealing story, because falling in love feels amazing, but it's also terrifying . 也许存在某种方法,可以降低爱情的风险, 而这个实验本身,也非常吸引人, 因为爱上某人的感觉非常奇妙, 但同时也让人感到害怕。
mitigate:vt.使缓和,使减轻;vi.减轻,缓和下来; involved:adj.有关的; v.涉及; (involve的过去式和过去分词) appealing:adj.吸引人的; v.呼吁; (appeal的现在分词) terrifying:adj.令人恐惧的;骇人的;极大的;v.使害怕,使恐怖;(terrify的现在分词)
The moment you admit to loving someone, you admit to having a lot to lose, and it's true that these questions do provide a mechanism for getting to know someone quickly, which is also a mechanism for being known, 当你承认爱上某人的那一刻起, 也就意味着你要放弃很多东西, 但这些问题的确提供了一种 快速了解一个人的途径, 同时也提供了你被人了解的途径,
mechanism:n.机制;原理,途径;进程;机械装置;技巧;
and I think this is the thing that most of us really want from love: to be known, to be seen, to be understood. 我想,我们大多数人都希望从爱情中获得以下东西: 被了解,被关注,被理解。
But I think when it comes to love, we are too willing to accept the short version of the story. 但我也认为,当谈到爱情时, 我们有时太过简单粗暴,
The version of the story that asks, "Are you still together?" 简单到只想问“你们是否还在一起？”,
and is content with a yes or no answer. 而这个问题只用是和否就可以回答。
content:n.内容,目录;满足;容量;adj.满意的;vt.使满足;
So rather than that question, 因此相对这个问题,
I would propose we ask some more difficult questions, questions like: 我建议大家问一些更深的问题, 比如:
propose:v.建议;提议;求婚;打算;
How do you decide who deserves your love and who does not? 你如何确定谁值得你爱？ 谁不值得？
deserves:v.值得;应得;应受;(deserve的第三人称单数)
How do you stay in love when things get difficult, and how do you know when to just cut and run ? 当遇到困难时你如何维系爱情, 你如何判断何时该分手,各走各的路？
cut and run:急忙逃走;弃锚开航;
How do you live with the doubt that inevitably creeps into every relationship, or even harder, how do you live with your partner's doubt? 你如何处理 每段感情都可能出现的信任问题, 甚至比这更难一点, 你如何处理伴侣的不信任？
inevitably:adv.不可避免地;必然地; creeps:n.缺磷症;佝偻病;毛骨悚然的感觉;v.爬;蔓延(creep的第三人称单数形式);
I don't necessarily know the answers to these questions, but I think they're an important start at having a more thoughtful conversation about what it means to love someone. 我不一定知道这些问题的答案, 但我认为,我们以更加成熟的方式来讨论爱情 会是一个不错的开始。
necessarily:adv.必要地;必定地,必然地; thoughtful:adj.深思的;体贴的;关切的;
So, if you want it, the short version of the story of my relationship is this: a year ago, an acquaintance and I did a study designed to create romantic love, and we fell in love, and we are still together, and I am so glad. 当然,如果你们坚持想要知道 我的爱情故事缩略版,我满足你们: 一年前,我和一个熟人进行了一次实验, 看爱情能否被制造出来, 结果我们相爱了, 现在也没有分开, 我非常开心。
acquaintance:n.认识的人;熟人;略有交情;(对某事物的)了解;
But falling in love is not the same thing as staying in love. 但坠入爱河与维持爱情是两回事。
Falling in love is the easy part. 相爱容易相守难。
So at the end of my article, I wrote, "Love didn't happen to us. 所以在文章结尾,我写到,“爱情不是从天而降的。
We're in love because we each made the choice to be." 我们相爱是因为我们选择了相爱。”
And I cringe a little when I read that now, not because it isn't true, but because at the time, I really hadn't considered everything that was contained in that choice. 再读这句话时,我有点不好意思, 不是因为这句话不对, 而是当时,我对选择相爱意味着什么, 并没有考虑得那么周全。
cringe:vi.畏缩;奉承;阿谀;n.畏缩;奉承;
I didn't consider how many times we would each have to make that choice, and how many times I will continue to have to make that choice without knowing whether or not he will always choose me. 我没有考虑,有多少次我们本应该下定决心相爱, 以及在不知道对方是否选择我的前提下, 未来我还需要下多少次决心。
I want it to be enough to have asked and answered 36 questions, and to have chosen to love someone so generous and kind and fun and to have broadcast that choice in the biggest newspaper in America. 我希望通过36个问题的问和答, 通过选择一个如此慷慨、善良、风趣的人相爱, 通过将我的选择在全美最大的报纸上曝光,已经足够我认定这个选择了。
generous:adj.慷慨的,大方的;宽宏大量的;有雅量的; broadcast:v.广播; n.广播节目; adj.[无线]播音的;
But what I have done instead is turn my relationship into the kind of myth I don't quite believe in. 然而我所做的却是将我的爱情 变成了一个我自己都不怎么相信的神话故事。
myth:n.神话;虚构的人,虚构的事;
And what I want, what perhaps I will spend my life wanting, is for that myth to be true. 我现在追求的,也许我一辈子都会去追求的, 就是让这个神话成真。
I want the happy ending implied by the title to my article, which is, incidentally , the only part of the article that I didn't actually write. 我希望一个幸福的结局,就像我文章标题所暗示的, 顺便说一句, 整篇文章只有那个标题不是我写的。
implied:adj.不言而喻的; v.含有…的意思; (imply的过去分词和过去式) incidentally:adv.顺便;偶然地;附带地;
(Laughter) （笑声）
But what I have instead is the chance to make the choice to love someone, and the hope that he will choose to love me back, and it is terrifying, but that's the deal with love. 但是我有机会去选择我爱的人, 也希望他能爱我, 这事儿挺让人害怕的, 但这就是爱情。
Thank you. 谢谢大家。