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JoelLeon_2019W-_共同抚养_的美好与艰辛_-
My name is Joel , and I'm a co-parent . 我是乔尔, 一名承担共同 抚养子女义务的父亲。
Joel:n.约珥(圣经人物);(圣经中的)约耳书; co-parent:与已离婚(或分居)的另一方对子女负有同等的责任;
So, growing up, I never heard the term "co-parent." 在我的成长过程中, 我从未听说过“共同抚养”这个词,
I heard a lot of other things, though, for starters , " absentee father," 尽管对于新手而言, 我听说过其他的词, “缺席父亲”,
starters:n.(主菜之前的)开胃小吃;参赛者;发令员;(starter的复数) absentee:n.缺席者;缺席投票的;缺席的;
'" sperm donor " -- that's a good one -- " deadbeat dad" “精子捐献者”—— 听起来不错—— “老赖爹（deadbeat dad）”,
sperm:n.精子;精液;鲸蜡油; donor:n.捐赠者;供者;赠送人;adj.捐献的;经人工授精出生的; deadbeat:n.游手好闲者;赖债不还的人;落魄者;adj.非周期的;直进式的;
and, my personal favorite, "baby daddy." 还有我自己最喜欢的—— “宝爸（baby daddy）”。
personal:adj.个人的;身体的;亲自的;n.人事消息栏;人称代名词;
'"Baby daddy," for those not in the know, refers to an individual who helps to conceive a child but does little else. 给不知道的人科普一下, “宝爸”是指一个帮助怀孕, 而却不对此负责的父亲。
refers:v.谈及;提到;提及;涉及;描述;(refer的第三人称单数) individual:n.个人;有个性的人;adj.单独的;个别的; conceive:v.想出;想象;构想;设想;怀孕;
Baby daddy is also someone who is not married by law to the mother of said child. “宝爸”也是在法律上 没有与孩子的母亲 结婚的人。
Growing up, I thought "co-parent" was reserved primarily for white families that starred in Netflix prime-time dramas . 成长过程中,我曾以为“共同抚养”一词 是针对在 Netflix 黄金档电视剧中 那些白人家庭而言的。
reserved:adj.内向的; v.预订,预约; (reserve的过去分词和过去式) primarily:adv.首先;主要地,根本上; Netflix:n.网飞公司(出租DVD;在线观看电影的网站。); prime-time:n.黄金时段; dramas:pl.戏剧;
(Laughter) （笑声）
It still kind of does. 这似乎也说得通,
But it wasn't used to explain the role of a parent. Right? 但“共同抚养”并不曾 用来解释父母的角色,对吧？
Either you had kids or you didn't, and no one in my social circles or at our dinner table was having complex conversations about the role fathers played in that conversation, right? 不管你是否有孩子, 在我的社交圈里 或在我们聚餐时, 没有人会围绕父亲的角色 进行复杂的讨论,不是吗？
dinner table:n.餐桌;同一桌进餐; complex:adj.复杂的;合成的;n.复合体;综合设施;
A more balanced, open, loving approach to parenting was not something we were discussing within our social circles. 一种更公平、开放 且充满关爱的抚养方法 不是我们在自己的 社交圈里涉猎的话题。
approach:n.方法;路径;v.接近;建议;着手处理;
A majority of the time, the fathers I knew of growing up were barely present or just completely nonexistent . 大部分时间里, 我所知道的父亲们 在他们孩子成长过程中 几乎不出现,或者根本不存在。
majority:n.大部分:大多数:多数票:成年人: barely:adv.仅仅,勉强;几乎不;公开地;贫乏地; nonexistent:adj.不存在的;
'"Co-parent" wasn't a term I heard or saw where I grew up, where I came from. 在我出生和成长的地方, 我不曾听说过或见过“共同抚养”。
I come from the hood. 我来自“那个”街区,
That hood would be Creston Avenue , 188th in the Bronx . 布朗克斯（纽约以高犯罪率着称的贫民区） 克雷斯顿大街 188 号。
Avenue:n.途径;(城镇的)大街;林荫道(尤指通往大住宅者);选择; Bronx:n.布朗克斯(纽约市最北端的一区);布朗克斯鸡尾酒;
And for -- one person, that's what's up. 对,就是这么回事儿。
(Laughter) （笑声）
Appreciate that. 感谢。
Appreciate:v.欣赏;感激;感谢;理解;
For a lot of us in that hood, there was only one person you could already turn to for food, shelter, warmth, love, discipline : our mothers. 在那个街区里,对许多人来说, 我们只能指望一个人, 去寻求食物、住处、 温暖、爱和训导: 我们的母亲。
discipline:n.纪律;训练;自制力;风纪;v.训练;管教;惩罚;处罚;
My mother, who I playfully call "Linda T," 我开玩笑地叫 我母亲“琳达· T（Linda T）”,
playfully:adv.开玩笑地;好游玩地;
was my first example of real love and what showing up as a healthy co-parent looked like. 她为真正的爱做了表率, 也有一个健康的 共同抚养者该有的样子。
She was a strong, determined single mother, a woman who would have benefited greatly from having a secure and stable partner as a co-parent. 她是一个强大、坚定的单亲母亲。 作为共同扶养人, 她本该拥有一个可靠稳重的伴侣, 以减轻她的负担。
determined:adj.决定了的:v.决定;(determine的过去分词和过去式) greatly:adv.很,大大地;非常; stable:n.马厩;牛棚;adj.稳定的;牢固的;坚定的;vi.被关在马厩;赶入马房;
So I vowed whenever I got married, my boo and I would be together forever. 所以我发誓过无论我何时结婚, 我会和我的妻子永远在一起。
vowed:v.起誓;立誓;发誓;(vow的过去分词和过去式) boo:int.(对演员,讲话者等表示不满)嘘; n.粉蓝烟草; v.发嘘声;
You know? (Laughs) 很好理解吧？ （笑声）
We'd share the same bed and home, we'd sleep under the same covers, we'd argue at IKEA -- normal stuff . 我们会分享同一张床,共享一个家。 我们会睡在同一被窝里, 会为了琐事在宜家里争吵。
stuff:n.东西:物品:基本特征:v.填满:装满:标本:
(Laughter) （笑声）
My partner would feel seen and loved, and our children would grow up in a two-parent household . 我的伴侣会感到被在乎、被疼爱, 我们的孩子会在 有双亲的家庭里长大。
household:n.家庭;一家人;同住一所(或一套)房子的人;adj.家庭的;家常的;王室的;
However, things rarely ever end up how we plan them. 然而,到头来, 计划没有变化快。
rarely:adv.很少地;难得;罕有地;
Our daughter Lilah has never known a household with both of her parents living together under one roof. 我们的女儿莱拉从来都不知道, 和父母住在一起的 家庭生活是什么样子。
Her mother and I were never married. 因为我和她的母亲从未结过婚。
We dated on and off for several months before we found out she was pregnant . 在发现她怀孕之前, 我们断断续续约会了几个月,
pregnant:adj.怀孕的;富有意义的;
Up until then, my mother didn't even know she existed. 在那之前,我母亲甚至 不知道我女友的存在。
I was ashamed , 我感到羞愧,
ashamed:adj.惭愧;尴尬;因惭愧而不情愿;
I was embarrassed , and, at times, I was suicidal . 很尴尬, 有时,我还想自杀。
embarrassed:adj.尴尬的;窘迫的;v.使...局促不安;(embarrass的过去分词和过去式) suicidal:adj.自杀的,自杀性的;自我毁灭的;自取灭亡的;
I was asking myself, what was I doing? Where was I going wrong? 我问我自己,我在干什么？ 我哪里做错了？
I never wanted the stigma or label of what some identified as the stereotypical "black father." 我从不想被羞辱或被称为 一些人刻板印象中的“黑人父亲”:
stigma:n.[植]柱头;耻辱;污名;烙印;特征; label:n.标签;标记;谓;唱片公司;v.贴标签于;用标签标明; identified:v.确认;认出;找到;发现;说明身份;(identify的过去式和过去分词) stereotypical:adj.老一套的;陈规的;
So: absentee, confrontational , combative , not present. 缺席者、挑衅者、 好斗的、“失踪”的家伙。
confrontational:adj.对抗的;对抗性的; combative:adj.好战的;好事的;
It took a lot of work, time, energy and effort for us to finally realize that maybe co-parenting for us didn't need to mean a shared household and wedding bells, that maybe, just maybe, the way we showed up as co-parents 在花费大量的工作、 时间、精力和努力后, 我们终于意识到, 也许共同抚养对我们来说 并不意味着一定要共享一个家庭, 或必须要谈婚论嫁。 也许,仅仅是也许, 我们以共同抚养者的身份 出现的方式,
finally:adv.终于;最终;(用于列举)最后;彻底地; co-parenting:n.[美国英语](离婚夫妇经法律手续达成的)子女共同监护(协议);
lay not only in the layered nuances of our partnership but the capacity within our hearts to tend to a human that we helped create together. 不仅是存在于我们伴侣 关系中有层次的细微差别, 更在于我们在内心深处 照顾一个人的能力, 而这个人是我们共同的结晶。
layered:adj.分层的;层状的;v.分层堆积;用压条法培植(layer的过去分词); nuances:细微差别; partnership:n.合伙;[经管]合伙企业;合作关系;合伙契约; capacity:n.能力;容量;资格,地位;生产力;
(Applause) （掌声）
It would involve love in a nurturing and safe environment that would feed Lilah long after we both left this earth. 一个安全的养育环境里若有了爱, 莱拉在我们都离开世界 很久以后也会感到满足。
involve:v.包含;需要;牵涉;牵连;影响;(使)参加; nurturing:v.养育;培养;扶持;支持;助长;(nurture的现在分词)
Fast-forward four years, and Lilah is now in pre-K. 快进四年, 莱拉现在在学前班,
Fast-forward:n.快进功能;adj.进展迅速的;vi.快进;vt.使快进;
She loves gummies , and she says things like, "My heart is filled with love." 她非常喜欢软糖, 而且她会说类似 “我内心充满了爱”这样的话。
gummies:adj.粘性的,胶粘的;含树胶的;肿的(脚踝或腿);拙劣的,讨厌的(俚语);
She's the most loving, compassionate , empathetic human being I know, and the reason I get to tell you all of this is because she's back in the Bronx with her mother. 她是我知道的最可爱、 最有同情心、最有同理心的人, 而我之所以能把这一切告诉你们, 是因为她和她的母亲 回到了布朗克斯。
compassionate:adj.慈悲的;富于同情心的;vt.同情;怜悯; empathetic:adj.移情作用的;同感的(等于empathic);
You see, this is co-parenting, and in an ideal world, my mother would have had a co-parent, too. 这就是共同抚养。 我的母亲本可以也有 一个共同抚养的伙伴,
She would have had support, someone to show up and give her a break, a time off. 她本可以得到支持, 也有人本可以出现, 让她有休息的时间。
In an ideal world, every parent is a co-parent. 在一个理想的世界里,任何一个 父亲或母亲都是共同抚养者。
In an ideal world, both parents share the weight of the work appropriately . 在一个理想的世界里,父母双方 都能适当地分担抚养的重担。
appropriately:adj.适当地;合适地;相称地;
Lilah's mother and I have a schedule . 我和莱拉的母亲有一个日程计划,
schedule:工作计划,日程安排
Some days, I leave work and pick Lilah up from school, some days I don't. 有时我会下班去接莱拉放学, 有时我不会。
Lilah's mother gets to go rock climbing or study for the LSAT, and I get to stand in a room full of bold , dynamic and powerful women and talk about dad stuff. 这样莱拉的母亲可以去攀岩, 或者准备法学院入学考试, 而我也能在一个充满了勇气、 活力和强大的女性的房子里, 讨论父亲那些事。
rock climbing:n.攀登岩壁;爬岩术; bold:adj.大胆的,英勇的;黑体的;厚颜无耻的;险峻的; dynamic:n.动力; adj.充满活力的;
(Applause) （掌声）
It is work, it is beautifully hard work dismantling the systems that would have us believe a woman's primary role is in the kitchen, tending to all things domestic , while the hapless dad fumbles all over himself whenever he has to spend a weekend alone with the kids. 共同抚养是一种工作, 是艰辛而美好的工作。 它逐渐废除了一种家庭系统, 这种系统让我们认为 女人的主要角色就是 呆在厨房里负担所有家务, 而可怜的父亲每当 不得不单独和孩子们 共度周末时,只会手忙脚乱。
dismantling:v.拆开,拆卸;废除,取消;(dismantle的现在分词) domestic:n.佣人;家佣;家庭纠纷;家庭矛盾;adj.本国的;国内的;家用的;家庭的; hapless:adj.运气不好的,倒霉的; fumbles:vt.摸索;笨拙地做;漏接;vi.摸索;笨拙地行动;漏球;n.摸索;笨拙的处理;漏球;
It is work that needs to happen right now. 共同抚养是需要立刻执行的工作。
You see, far too often, what it seems like is when both parents are working, one parent is typically tasked with organizing the household and keeping the home running. 这种情况太普遍了, 当双方都在工作时, 一方通常要安排好家庭事务, 让这个家正常运转。
typically:adv.代表性地;作为特色地; organizing:v.组织;安排;处理;分配;管理;(organize的现在分词)
That person is typically a woman or someone who identifies as such. 而这个人通常是女人 或者扮演此角色的人。
identifies:vt.[计]识别,认明;视为相同,鉴定;v.[计]识别,确定(identify的单三形式);
Far too often, those who identify as mothers and as women have to sacrifice their dreams in order to appease the standard . 那些作为母亲或女人的一方往往 不得不牺牲她们的梦想 以达到这种标准。
identify:v.识别:鉴定:确认:发现: sacrifice:n.牺牲;舍弃;祭献;祭祀;祭品;v.牺牲;献出;作祭献 appease:vt.使平息;使满足;使和缓;对…让步; standard:n.标准;水准;旗;度量衡标准;adj.标准的;合规格的;公认为优秀的;
They have to sacrifice their dreams in order to ensure that motherhood takes precedence over all else. 她们不得不牺牲自己的梦想, 以保证母亲的身份 优于其他所有事请。
ensure:vt.保证,确保;使安全; motherhood:n.母性;母亲身份; precedence:n.优先;居先;
And I'm not here to say that it doesn't, but what I am here to say is, as equal partners and co-parents, it is our duty to ensure that our co-parenting partners don't have to put their passions , their pursuits and their dreams to the back burner just because we're too self-absorbed to show up as allies . 我并不否认这点, 但我想说的是 作为平等的搭档 和共同抚养者,我们的责任是 保证我们的共同抚养搭档 不必把他们热衷的爱好、 追求和理想 放在次要地位, 就因为我们自私地不愿共同承担。
passions:n.强烈情感;激情;盛怒;(passion的复数) pursuits:n.追求;寻找;追捕;事业;爱好;(pursuit的复数) back burner:次要地位;多眼炉子的后炉眼; self-absorbed:adj.自私的;专心于自己的事务或利益的;固执己见; allies:n.盟友,支持者:v.与…结盟(ally的第三人称单数和复数)
(Applause) （掌声）
Co-parenting makes the space possible for everybody. 共同抚养让每个人 有自己的空间变成了可能。
As a co-parent, the time I've gotten to share and spend with Lilah is time I appreciate, the time that has allowed me to be fully present for my child, 作为承担共同抚养义务的人, 我很感激能拥有与莱拉 共同度过的时光, 拥有能让我充分陪伴孩子的时光,
removing the notion that the emotional labor required to raise a child is a woman's work. 它淘汰了养育孩子 所需要的情绪劳动 是女人的工作这一观念。
notion:n.观念;信念;理解; emotional:adj.情绪的;易激动的;感动人的;
As a co-parent, Lilah and I have built snowmen, we've played with acorns , we've rapped to the soundtrack of "Moana," I know you have, too. 作为共同抚养孩子的人, 我和莱拉一起堆了雪人, 一起玩了橡果, 还跟着《海洋奇缘》的原声练说唱, 我知道你们也干过这事。
acorns:n.[植]橡子;橡树子(acorn的复数); rapped:v.敲击;击打;突然大声说出;严厉批评;(rap的过去分词和过去式) soundtrack:n.声带;声道;声迹;电影配音;
(Laughter) （笑声）
She's sat with me while I've led workshops at Columbia University, when I talk about the intersections of poetry , hip-hop and theater. 当我在哥伦比亚大学主持讨论会, 谈论诗歌、 说唱和戏剧的交集时, 她就坐在我身旁。
workshops:n.工作坊,[工业]车间;研习会,讲习班(workshop的复数形式); intersections:n.交集,交叉点(intersection的复数形式);[交]十字路口; poetry:n.诗;诗意,诗情;诗歌艺术; hip-hop:n.街舞,即兴音乐;嘻哈;
We get to talk about her emotions and her feelings because we have exclusive time together, and that time is planned time, it's organized around not just my schedule but her mother's. 我们会讨论她的情绪与情感, 因为我们有 单独在一起的专属时光, 这些时间都是计划好的。 不仅是根据我的行程, 还是根据他母亲的行程安排的。
emotions:n.强烈的感情;激情;情感;(emotion的复数) exclusive:adj.独有的;排外的;专一的;n.独家新闻;独家经营的项目;排外者; organized:adj.有组织的; v.组织; (organize的过去分词和过去式)
Both of us, as co-parents, have unique parenting styles. 作为共同抚养者, 我们两人都有独特的养育方式。
unique:adj.独特的,稀罕的;[数]唯一的;n.独一无二的人或物;
And we may argue at times, but what we can always agree on is how to raise a human -- our human. 有时我们会发生争执, 但我们总能在一件事上 意见一致:如何养育一个人 ——我们的孩子。
I will never fully understand or comprehend what it means to hold a child in my body for 10 months. 我永远不会完全理解或明白, 在身体里连续十个月 怀着一个孩子意味着什么。
comprehend:v.理解;包含;由…组成;
I will never be able to understand the trials and tribulations of breastfeeding , the work that it takes, the emotional, physical , psychological and emotional toll that carrying a human can have on the female body. 我永远不能理解 母乳喂养的艰辛和困难, 背后的付出, 我也永远不能理解 怀孕在情绪、身体和心理上 对女性身体的影响。
tribulations:n.苦难(tribulation的复数形式); breastfeeding:n.母乳哺育;v.用母乳喂养(breastfeed的现在分词); physical:adj.[物]物理的;身体的;物质的;符合自然法则的;n.体格检查; psychological:adj.心理的;心理学的;精神上的; toll:n.伤亡人数; v.(缓慢而有规律地)敲(钟); (尤指)鸣(丧钟); female:adj.女性的;雌性的;柔弱的,柔和的;n.女人;[动]雌性动物;
What co-parenting does is say, we can create balance, a more balanced home and work life for everyone involved . 共同抚养的目的是 让我们能创造平衡, 让家庭中每个成员的 工作生活保持平衡。
involved:adj.有关的; v.涉及; (involve的过去式和过去分词)
Co-parenting says that while parenting may involve sacrifices , yes, the weight of that sacrifice is not solely resting on one parent alone. 共同抚养中,虽然可能 会有牺牲,这是事实, 但牺牲的重担并不 只会由一方单独承担。
sacrifices:n.牺牲,损失; v.牺牲,损失(sacrifice的单三形式); solely:adv.单独地,唯一地;
No matter your relational dynamic, no matter how you identify as a human being -- he, she, they, ze -- co-parenting says we can create space and equity , 不论你的人际关系如何变化, 不论你怎么定义人—— 他,她,他们—— 共同抚养让我们能创造空间和平等,
relational:adj.相关的;亲属的; equity:n.公平,公正;衡平法;普通股;抵押资产的净值;
better communication, empathy , I hear you, I see you, how can I show up for you in ways that benefits our family? 更好的沟通、共鸣, 我能听到你、理解你, 我知道怎样以 利于家庭的方式出现。
empathy:n.神入;移情作用;执着;
My goal: 这是我的目标:
I want more fathers to embrace co-parenting as a model for a better tomorrow, a better today for ourselves, for our co-parenting partners, for our families, for our community . 我想让更多的父亲 接受共同抚养的模式, 为了更好的明天, 为了我们自己更好的今天, 为了我们共同抚养的搭档, 为了我们的家庭、社会。
embrace:n.拥抱,怀抱;v.拥抱;乐意采纳(思想、建议等);信奉;包括; community:n.社区;[生态]群落;共同体;团体;
I want more fathers talking about fatherhood openly, candidly , honestly, lovingly . 我想要更多的父亲开放地、 坦白地、真诚地、亲切地讨论父性,
fatherhood:n.父亲的身分;父权;父性;父道; candidly:adv.坦白地;率直地;直率而诚恳地; lovingly:adv.亲切地;钟爱地;
Right? 好吗?
I want more people to recognize that black fathers in particular are more than the court system, more than child support and more than what the media might portray us to be. 我想让更多人认识到, 黑人父亲, 他们不仅只与法院 和子女抚养费有关, 不仅只是媒体口中的我们。
recognize:v.认识;认出;辨别出;承认;意识到; in particular:尤其,特别; media:n.媒体;媒质(medium的复数);血管中层;浊塞音;中脉; portray:vt.描绘;扮演;
(Applause) （掌声）
Our role as fathers, our role as parents, our value as parents is not dependent on the zeroes at the ends of our checks but the capacity within our hearts to show up for our families, for the people we love, for our little ones. 我们扮演的父亲角色 ,父母角色, 我们作为父母的价值, 并不取决于我们 支票上的数字后有几个零, 而是取决于我们内心中 为我们的家庭, 为我们爱的人和我们的 孩子们站出来的能力,
dependent on:依赖于;依靠;
Being a father is not only a responsibility, it's an opportunity. 成为父亲不只是 一种责任,还是一次机会,
This is for Dwain, this is for Kareem "Buc" Drayton, this is for Biggs, this is for Boola, this is for Tyron, this is for all the black fathers who are showing up on a day-to-day basis. 这段演讲要献给达文（Dawin）, 卡里姆·德雷顿（Kareem“ Buc” Drayton） 献给所有每天都在 承担起责任的黑人父亲。
day-to-day:adj.日常的;逐日的;
This is for Charles Lorenzo Daniels, my father, who didn't have the language or the tools to show up in the ways that he wanted to. 同样也要献给查尔斯·勒伦佐·丹尼尔斯 （Charles Lerenzo Daniels）,
Thank you. 谢谢。
My name is Joel. 我是乔尔。
Hi Bria, hi West. 嗨,布里亚,嗨,韦斯特。
(In Yoruba) Amen. （约鲁巴语）阿门。
(Applause) （掌声）