|
|
JamesVeitch_2015G-_回复垃圾邮件时会发生什么_
|
| A few years ago, |
几年前, |
| I got one of those spam emails. |
我收到了一封垃圾邮件。 |
|
spam:n.垃圾邮件;罐头猪肉;
|
| And it managed to get through my spam filter . |
我的垃圾邮件过滤器没起作用。 |
|
filter:n.滤波器;过滤器;滤光器;滤声器;v.过滤;渗入;(用程序)筛选;缓行;
|
| I'm not quite sure how, but it turned up in my inbox , and it was from a guy called Solomon Odonkoh. |
我不知道它是怎么做到的,但它的确出现在了我的收件箱里, 发件人是个叫所罗门·奥东寇的家伙。 |
|
inbox:n.收件箱;收文篮;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I know. |
我知道。 |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| It went like this: it said, "Hello James Veitch, |
邮件是这么开头的: 信上说:“你好,詹姆斯·维奇, |
| I have an interesting business proposal I want to share with you, Solomon." |
我有个挺有意思的投资提案,想和你谈一谈——所罗门” |
|
proposal:n.提议,建议;求婚;
|
| Now, my hand was kind of hovering on the delete button, right? |
这时我的手指大概已经放在删除键上了,对吧？ |
|
hovering:v.翱翔;盘旋;踌躇;靠近(某事物);处于不稳定状态(hover的现在分词)
|
| I was looking at my phone. I thought, I could just delete this. |
我当时看着我的手机,心想我可以直接删了它。 |
| Or I could do what I think we've all always wanted to do. |
或者我也可以做点什么,我们每个人一直都很想做的事。 |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| And I said, "Solomon, Your email intrigues me." |
于是我说:“所罗门,你的邮件令我很感兴趣。” |
|
intrigues:n.阴谋;诡计;复杂的事;私通;vt.用诡计取得;激起...的兴趣;vi.私通;密谋;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| (Applause) |
（掌声） |
| And the game was afoot . |
游戏就此开始。 |
|
afoot:adj.在进行中的;徒步的;准备中;adv.在进行中,在准备中;
|
| He said, "Dear James Veitch, We shall be shipping Gold to you." |
他说:“亲爱的詹姆斯·维奇,我们会给你运送黄金。” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| '"You will earn 10% of any gold you distributes ." |
“你可以将黄金转手,赚取10%的回扣。” |
|
distributes:vt.分配;散布;分开;把…分类;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| So I knew I was dealing with a professional . |
于是我就知道了,和我打交道的是个高手。 |
|
professional:adj.专业的;职业的;职业性的;n.专业人员;职业运动员;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I said, "How much is it worth?" |
我说:“它价值多少？” |
| He said, "We will start with smaller quantity ," -- |
他说:“我们一开始可以做小一点。” |
|
quantity:n.量;数量;大量;数额;
|
| I was like, aww -- and then he said, "of 25 kgs. |
我当时就,“哎……” 然后他说:“25公斤。” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| The worth should be about $2.5 million." |
“总价值大约250万美元。” |
| I said, "Solomon, if we're going to do it, let's go big. |
我说:“所罗门,我们要做这生意,就干一大票。” |
| (Applause) |
（掌声） |
| I can handle it. How much gold do you have?" |
“我能搞定。你手上有多少金子？” |
|
handle:n.[建]把手;柄;手感;口实;v.处理;操作;运用;买卖;触摸;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| He said, "It is not a matter of how much gold I have, what matters is your capability of handling. |
他说:“关键不是我有多少, 而是你能接多少。 |
|
capability:n.才能,能力;性能,容量;
|
| We can start with 50 kgs as trial shipment ." |
我们一开始可以发过去50公斤试试。” |
|
shipment:n.装货;装载的货物;
|
| I said, "50 kgs? |
我说:“50公斤？ |
| There's no point doing this at all unless you're shipping at least a metric ton ." |
简直一点搞头都没有啊, 除非你至少运过来一整吨。” |
|
metric ton:adj.公吨;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| (Applause) |
（掌声） |
| He said, "What do you do for a living?" |
他说:“你是干什么工作的？” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I said, "I'm a hedge fund executive bank manager." |
我说:“我是银行对冲基金的执行经理。” |
|
hedge fund:对冲基金; executive:n.管理人员; adj.经营管理的;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| This isn't the first time I've shipped bullion , my friend, no no no. |
“朋友,这不是我第一次运金条了。 不,不,不。” |
|
bullion:n.金银;纯金;金银块;
|
| Then I started to panic . |
然后我开始有点慌了。 |
|
panic:adj.恐慌的;n.惊恐;恐慌;惶恐不安;v.惊慌失措;
|
| I was like, "Where are you based?" |
我当时就说:“你们总部在哪？” |
| I don't know about you, but I think if we're going via the postal service , it ought to be signed for. |
我还不了解你, 但是我想如果我们要通过邮政业务发货, 一定要办签收。 |
|
via:prep.通过;经由;n.道路;[医]管道; postal service:n.邮政业务;邮政部门;邮政系统;
|
| That's a lot of gold." |
这笔金子可不算少了。“ |
| He said, "It will not be easy to convince my company to do larger quantity shipment." |
他说:“说服我们公司扩大运货量 的确不容易。” |
|
convince:v.使确信;使相信;说服,劝说;
|
| I said, "Solomon, I'm completely with you on this one. |
我说:“所罗门,我非常同意你的观点。 |
| I'm putting together a visual for you to take into the board meeting. |
我现在给你整理一些图像资料,你可以带到董事会上去。 |
|
visual:adj.视觉的,视力的;栩栩如生的;
|
| Hold tight." |
我去去就回。” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| This is what I sent Solomon. |
这是我发给所罗门的东西。 |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| (Applause) |
（掌声）[财富与金条数量成正比] |
| I don't know if we have any statisticians in the house, but there's definitely something going on. |
我不知道这里有没有哪位是统计学家, 总之这肯定有点道理吧。 |
|
statisticians:n.统计学家,统计员; definitely:adv.清楚地,当然;明确地,肯定地;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I said, "Solomon, attached to this email you'll find a helpful chart. |
我说:”所罗门,邮件的附件里有一个有用的图表。 |
|
attached:adj.依恋;v.重视;把…固定;(attach的过去分词和过去式)
|
| I've had one of my assistants run the numbers. |
我让我的助手细致分析了数据。 |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| We're ready for shipping as much gold as possible." |
我们把生意做得越大越好啊！” |
| There's always a moment where they try to tug your heartstrings , and this was it for Solomon. |
总有些时候你会让别人心痒痒, 对所罗门来说就是这样。 |
|
tug:n.拖船;拖曳;苦干;vi.用力拉;竞争;努力做;vt.用力拉;较量;用拖船拖; heartstrings:n.心弦;
|
| He said, "I will be so much happy if the deal goes well, because I'm going to get a very good commission as well." |
他说:“如果生意顺利进行,我会非常开心的, 因为我也会获得一笔丰厚的佣金。” |
|
commission:n.委员会;佣金;犯;委任;委任状;vt.委任;使服役;委托制作;
|
| And I said, "That's amazing, What are you going to spend your cut on?" |
然后我说:“这太棒了！你打算怎么花这笔钱？” |
| And he said, "On RealEstate, what about you?" |
他说:“投资不动产,你呢？” |
| I thought about it for a long time. |
我想了很久。 |
| And I said, "One word; |
然后我说:“就一个词: |
| Hummus ." |
豆沙酱。” |
|
Hummus:n.鹰嘴豆泥;鹰嘴豆沙(等于hoummus);
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| '"It's going places. |
“这肯定有戏的啦。” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I was in Sainsbury's the other day and there were like 30 different varieties. |
我有天在英佰瑞超市, 那里有30多种豆沙酱。 |
|
the other day:不久前某一天;几天以前;
|
| Also you can cut up carrots, and you can dip them. |
而且你还可以切碎胡萝卜,然后蘸着它来吃。 |
|
dip:n.游一游; v.蘸;
|
| Have you ever done that, Solomon?" |
你有试过吗,所罗门？！” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| He said, "I have to go bed now." |
他说:“我要去睡觉了。” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| (Applause) |
（掌声） |
| '"Till morrow . |
“明天再聊。 |
|
morrow:n.次日;(重大事件后)紧接着的时期;晨间;
|
| Have sweet dream." |
祝你好梦！” |
| I didn't know what to say! |
我当下就无语了！ |
| I said, " Bonsoir my golden nugget , bonsoir." |
我说:“晚安,我的金条子,晚安。” |
|
Bonsoir:int.(法)晚安;晚上好; nugget:n.天然金块,矿块;珍闻,珍品;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| Guys, you have to understand, this had been going for, like, weeks, albeit hitherto the greatest weeks of my life, but I had to knock it on the head. |
同志们,你们得知道,这个东西进行了大概几周吧, 虽然它目前是我人生中最快乐的几周, 但是我必须得叫停了。 |
|
albeit:conj.虽然;即使; hitherto:adv.迄今;至今;
|
| It was getting a bit out of hand . |
它有点失去控制了。 |
|
out of hand:无法控制;脱手,告终;立即;
|
| Friends were saying, "James, do you want to come for a drink?" |
朋友跟我说:“詹姆斯,想要下馆子小酌一杯吗？” |
| I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting an email about some gold." |
我的反应就是,“不不不,我在等一封关于什么黄金的邮件。” |
| So I figured I had to knock it on the head. |
我觉得我得叫停了。 |
| I had to take it to a ridiculous conclusion . |
我得让它发展到一个超级无厘头的结局。 |
|
ridiculous:adj.可笑的;荒谬的; conclusion:n.结论;结局;推论;
|
| So I concocted a plan. |
所以我编写了一套计划。 |
|
concocted:vt.捏造;混合而制;调合;图谋;
|
| I said, "Solomon, I'm concerned about security. |
我说:“所罗门,我很担心安全问题。 |
|
concerned:adj.有关的;关心的;v.关心;与…有关;(concern的过去时和过去分词)
|
| When we email each other, we need to use a code." |
当我们互相发邮件时, 我们要用一种暗号。” |
| And he agreed. |
他同意了。 |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I said, "Solomon, I spent all night coming up with this code we need to use in all further correspondence : |
我说:“所罗门,我想了一晚上,想到了这些暗号, 未来的一切通讯请务必使用: |
|
correspondence:n.通信;一致;相当;
|
| Lawyer: Gummy Bear. |
律师:小熊橡皮糖。 |
|
Gummy:adj.粘性的,胶粘的;含树胶的;肿的(脚踝或腿);拙劣的,讨厌的(俚语);
|
| Bank: Cream Egg. |
银行:奶油蛋。 |
| Legal : Fizzy Cola Bottle. Claim : Peanut MMs. |
法律:可乐QQ糖。索赔:MM花生巧克力。 |
|
Legal:adj.法律的;合法的;法定的; Fizzy:adj.起泡沫的;嘶嘶作响的; Claim:v.要求;声称;需要;认领;n.要求;声称;索赔;断言;值得; Peanut:n.花生;微不足道的人;adj.微不足道的;
|
| Documents: Jelly Beans. |
文档:果冻豆。 |
|
Jelly:n.果冻;胶状物;vi.成胶状;vt.使结冻;
|
| Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard ." |
西联汇款公司:巨大的橡皮蜥蜴。” |
|
Giant:n.巨人;伟人;巨兽;adj.巨大的;特大的 Lizard:n.蜥蜴;类蜥蜴爬行动物;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I knew these were all words they use, right? |
我知道这都是行家用的,对吧？ |
| I said, "Please call me Kitkat in all further correspondence." |
我说,“未来的一切通讯请称我为KitKat（奇巧巧克力）。” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I didn't hear back. I thought, I've gone too far. |
我没收到回信。我想,我一定做过火了。 |
| I've gone too far. So I had to backpedal a little. |
我一定做过火了,所以我得往后退一小步。 |
|
backpedal:vi.倒踏脚踏板;(拳击中的)后退;(意见等的)撤回;变卦;
|
| I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on? |
我说:“所罗门,生意还在进行吗？ |
| KitKat." |
KitKat 敬上。” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| Because you have to be consistent . |
你必须得始终如一。 |
|
consistent:adj.始终如一的,一致的;坚持的;
|
| Then I did get an email back from him. |
后来我确实收到了他的回复。 |
| He said, "The Business is on and I am trying to blah blah blah ..." |
他说:“生意还在进行,然后我在……呜里哇啦……” |
|
blah:n.废话;空话;瞎说;int.废话;
|
| I said, " Dude , you have to use the code!" |
我说:“老兄！你要用暗号啊！” |
|
Dude:n.男人,小伙子;(非正式)花花公子;
|
| What followed is the greatest email I've ever received. |
之后我收到了一生中最爆笑的一封邮件。 |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I'm not joking, this is what turned up in my inbox. |
我没有开玩笑,我的收件箱里就是这个。 |
| This was a good day. |
那真是好日子。 |
| '"The business is on. |
“生意还在进行, |
| I am trying to raise the balance for the Gummy Bear -- |
我在尝试调高小熊橡皮糖的余额…… |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| so he can submit all the needed Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans to the Creme Egg, for the Peanut MMs process to start. |
使他可以提交一切所需的可乐QQ糖果冻豆, 给奶油蛋, 让MM花生巧克力能够开始。 |
|
submit:vt.使服从;主张;呈递;vi.提交;服从; Creme:n.奶油;乳酪;奶皮;香甜的酒; process:v.处理;加工;列队行进;n.过程,进行;方法,adj.经过特殊加工(或处理)的;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| Send 1,500 pounds via a Giant Gummy Lizard." |
请转账1500英镑, 通过巨大的橡皮蜥蜴。” |
| (Applause) |
（掌声） |
| And that was so much fun, right, that it got me thinking: like, what would happen if I just spent as much time as could replying to as many scam emails as I could? |
这实在太好玩了,对吗？ 让我不禁思考起来: 如果我花尽可能多的时间, 回复尽可能多的垃圾邮件,会发生什么呢？ |
|
scam:n.骗局,诡计;故事;vt.欺诈;诓骗;
|
| And that's what I've been doing for three years on your behalf . |
这就是我所做的, 做了整整三年, 都是为了你们。 |
|
behalf:n.代表;利益;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| (Applause) |
（掌声） |
| Crazy stuff happens when you start replying to scam emails. |
当你开始回复垃圾邮件时,疯狂的事情就会发生。 |
|
stuff:n.东西:物品:基本特征:v.填满:装满:标本:
|
| It's really difficult, and I highly recommend we do it. |
这其实挺难的, 但我强烈推荐大家尝试一下。 |
|
highly:adv.高度地;非常;非常赞许地; recommend:v.推荐;介绍;劝告;建议;使受欢迎;
|
| I don't think what I'm doing is mean. |
我不觉得我做的事很伤天害理。 |
| There are a lot of people who do mean things to scammers . |
社会上有好多人对诈骗犯做很残忍的事情。 |
|
scammers:n.调情的人;骗子;
|
| All I'm doing is wasting their time. |
我所做的一切,就是浪费他们时间。 |
| And I think any time they're spending with me is time they're not spending scamming vulnerable adults out of their savings , right? |
他们在我身上花的任何精力, 都让他们不能去诈骗其他容易受骗的人,对吧？ |
|
scamming:欺诈(scam的现在分词); vulnerable:adj.易受攻击的,易受…的攻击;易受伤害的;有弱点的; savings:n.节省物;节省;节约;储蓄金;存款;(saving的复数)
|
| And if you're going to do this -- and I highly recommend you do -- get yourself a pseudonymous email address. |
如果你要这么做的话——我强烈推荐你们这么做, 先去申请一个匿名的邮箱地址。 |
|
pseudonymous:adj.匿名的;使用笔名的;使用假名的;
|
| Don't use your own email address. |
千万别用你自己的邮箱。 |
| That's what I was doing at the start and it was a nightmare . |
我一开始就是这么干的,简直就是噩梦。 |
|
nightmare:n.恶梦;梦魇般的经历;adj.可怕的;噩梦似的;
|
| I'd wake up in the morning and have a thousand emails about penis enlargements , only one of which was a legitimate response -- |
我一早起床会收到一千封邮件, 关于阴茎增大什么的, 其中只有一封是可行的方案…… |
|
penis:n.阴茎; enlargements:n.放大;放大的照片;增补物; legitimate:adj.合法的;正当的;合理的;正统的;v.使合法;认为正当(等于legitimize); response:n.响应;反应;回答;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| to a medical question I had. |
解决我的一个生理问题。 |
| But I'll tell you what, though, guys, |
让我们换个话题,同志们, |
| I'll tell you what: any day is a good day, any day is a good day if you receive an email that begins like this: |
我告诉你:任何一天都是好日子, 如果你收到一封这样开头的邮件: |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| '"I AM WINNIE MANDELA, |
“我是温妮·曼德拉, |
| THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT." |
前南非总统纳尔逊·曼德拉的第二任妻子。” |
| I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela. |
我反应就是:哦哦！那个温妮·曼德拉啊！ |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I know so many. |
我认识好几个呢。 |
| '"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS OUT OF THE COUNTRY |
“我需要转移4500万美元出国, |
|
TRANSFER:n.转移;调任;调离;[体]转会球员;v.调任;调走;转学;转移;
|
| BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION." |
因为我的丈夫纳尔逊的健康状况。” |
| Let that sink in. |
让我揣摩揣摩。 |
| She sent me this, which is hysterical . |
她给我发了这个,简直超级搞笑。 |
|
hysterical:adj.歇斯底里的;异常兴奋的;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| And this. |
还有这个。 |
| And this looks fairly legitimate, this is a letter of authorization . |
这看上去挺靠谱的,是一封授权的证书。 |
|
fairly:adv.相当地;公平地;简直; authorization:n.授权,认可;批准,委任;
|
| But to be honest, if there's nothing written on it, it's just a shape! |
但是说实话,上面一个字没写的话,它就是个形状啊！ |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I said, "Winnie, I'm really sorry to hear of this. |
我说:“温妮,我很抱歉听到这个消息。 |
| Given that Nelson died three months ago, |
因为纳尔逊三个月前刚去世, |
| I'd describe his health condition as fairly serious." |
我觉得他的健康状况确实相当糟糕。” |
|
describe:v.描述;形容;把…称为;画出…图形;
|
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| That's the worst health condition you can have, not being alive. |
“没活着”可是最糟糕的健康状况了啊。 |
| She said, "KINDLY COMPLY WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS. |
她说:“请遵循银行专员的指示。 |
|
COMPLY:vi.遵守;顺从,遵从;答应;
|
| ONE LOVE." |
唯一的爱。” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY." |
我说:“当然了。美女催下男儿泪啊！” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| (Applause) |
（掌声） |
| She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE." |
她说:“我的银行专员需要3000美金的转账。唯一的爱。” |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| I said, "no problemo. |
我说:“小意思。 |
| I SHOT THE SHERIFF ." |
我帮你把司法官毙了。” |
|
SHERIFF:n.州长;郡治安官;执行吏;
|
| [ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ] |
[（但我没毙掉他的副手）] |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| Thank you. |
谢谢。 |
| (Applause) |
（掌声） |