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EmilyNagoski_2019X-_夫妻如何长期保持稳固的性关系_-
I'm sitting in a bar with a couple of friends -- literally , a couple, married couple. 我和一对朋友坐在酒吧—— 准确的说,是一对已婚夫妻。
literally:adv.按字面:字面上:确实地:
They're the parents of two young children, seven academic degrees between them, big nerds , really nice people but very sleep-deprived . 他们是两个小孩的父母, 一共获得了 7 个学位, 身材高大的书呆子, 人很好,但是睡眠不足。
academic:adj.学术的;理论的;学院的;n.大学生,大学教师;学者; nerds:n.书呆子;网虫;讨厌鬼(nerd的复数); sleep-deprived:睡眠不足;缺乏睡眠的;
And they ask me the question I get asked more than any other question. 他们问的问题是我最常被问的。
They go, "So, Emily, how do couples, you know, sustain a strong sexual connection over multiple decades?" 他们往往这样问,“那么,艾米丽, 夫妻怎样能保持稳固的性关系 长达几十年？”
sustain:v.支持;支撑;遭受;证实; sexual:adj.性的;性别的;有性的; multiple:adj.数量多的;多种多样的;n.倍数;
I'm a sex educator, which is why my friends ask me questions like this, and I am also a big nerd like my friends. 我是个性教育者,所以我朋友 常问我这样的问题, 并且我和我朋友 一样也是个大书呆子。
I love science, which is why I can give them something like an answer. 我爱科学,所以我可以给 他们一些像是答案的东西,
Research actually has pretty solid evidence that couples who sustain strong sexual connections over multiple decades have two things in common. 确实有非常确凿的研究证据 显示能够保持稳固性关系几十年 的夫妻 有两个共同点。
evidence:n.证据,证明;迹象;明显;v.证明;
Before I can tell my friends what those two things are, 在我告诉朋友 这两个共同点是什么之前,
I have to tell them a few things that they are not. 我得告诉他们哪些不是这些共同点。
These are not couples who have sex very often. 这些不是经常做爱的夫妻。
Almost none of us have sex very often. 几乎我们每个人都不常做爱。
We are busy. 我们很忙。
They are also not couples who necessarily have wild, adventurous sex. 他们也通常不是那种进行 疯狂和冒险性行为的夫妻。
necessarily:adv.必要地;必定地,必然地; adventurous:adj.爱冒险的;大胆的;充满危险的;
One recent study actually found that the couples who are most strongly predicted to have strong sexual and relationship satisfaction , the best predictor of that is not what kind of sex they have or how often or where they have it but whether they cuddle after sex. 一个最近的研究其实发现 在最能被预测出具备 稳固的性和关系满意度的夫妻中, 最好的预测因子不是 他们有什么样的性行为, 有多频繁或发生在哪, 而是他们在做爱后是否会拥抱。
predicted:v.预言;预告;预报;(predict的过去分词和过去式) satisfaction:n.满意,满足;赔偿;乐事;赎罪; predictor:n.[气象]预报器;预言者; cuddle:v.拥抱;偎依;舒服地贴著身睡;n.搂抱,拥抱;
And they are not necessarily couples who constantly can't wait to keep their hands off each other. 他们也不一定是总迫不及待 想把手从对方身上拿开的夫妻。
constantly:adv.不断地;时常地;
Some of them are. 有些人是。
They experience what the researchers call " spontaneous desire," 他们经历了研究者所说的“自发欲望”,
spontaneous:adj.自发的;自然的;无意识的;
that just sort of seems to appear out of the blue . 这似乎是突然出现的。
out of the blue:突然地;意外地;
Erika Moen, the cartoonist who illustrated my book, draws spontaneous desire as a lightning bolt to the genitals -- kaboom ! -- you just want it out of the blue. 艾瑞克·莫恩,给我的书 配插图的漫画家, 把自发欲望画成生殖器 的一道闪电—— 砰——你突然就想要了。
cartoonist:n.漫画家; illustrated:v.加插图于;给(书等)做图表;说明,解释;(illustrate的过去分词和过去式) lightning:n.闪电;adj.闪电般的;飞快的;突然的 bolt:n.螺栓; v.狼吞虎咽; v.突然; genitals:n.生殖器;外阴部; kaboom:大爆炸;片名;砰嘭;
That is absolutely one normal, healthy way to experience sexual desire. 这绝对是体验性欲的一种 正常、健康的方式。
absolutely:adv.绝对地;完全地;
But there's another healthy way to experience sexual desire. 但还有另一种体验性欲的健康方式,
It's called " responsive desire." 叫做“响应性欲望”。
responsive:adj.响应的;应答的;回答的;
Where spontaneous desire seems to emerge in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure. 这种情况下,对快乐的预期 会产生自发的欲望, 响应性欲望始于对快乐的反应。
in anticipation of:期待,预期; emerges:vi.浮现;摆脱;暴露; in response to:响应;回答;对…有反应;
There's a sex therapist in New Jersey named Christine Hyde, who taught me this great metaphor she uses with her clients . 新泽西州有个性治疗师 叫克里斯汀·海德, 她跟我说了这个 她给客户说的很好比方。
therapist:n.临床医学家;治疗学家; metaphor:n.暗喻,隐喻;比喻说法; clients:n.委托人;当事人;客户机;(client的复数)
She says, imagine that your best friend invites you to a party. 她说,想象你最好 的朋友邀请你去派对。
You say yes because it's your best friend and a party. 你说好的,因为这是你最好 的朋友,并且是个派对。
But then, as the date approaches , you start thinking, "Aw, there's going to be all this traffic. 但然后,随着日期临近,你开始想, “啊,可能交通会很堵。
approaches:v.靠近,接近; n.方式,方法,态度;
We have to find child care. 我们得找人看护孩子。
Am I really going to want to put my party clothes on and get there at the end of the week?" 我真想周末穿上派对衣服 去那里吗？”
But you put on your party clothes and you show up to the party, and what happens? 但你还是穿上派对衣服 并出现在了派对上, 然后发生了什么？
You have a good time at the party. 你在派对上度过了 一段愉悦的时光。
have a good time:过得愉快,玩得高兴
If you are having fun at the party, you are doing it right. 如果你在派对上很开心, 你就做对了。
When it comes to a sexual connection, it's the same thing. 当涉及到性关系时, 也是同样的事情。
You put on your party clothes, you set up the child care, you put your body in the bed, you let your skin touch your partner's skin and allow your body to wake up and remember, "Oh, right! I like this. 你穿上你的派对衣服, 你把小孩看护好了, 你躺在床上, 让肌肤触摸伴侣的肌肤, 让你的身体觉醒并记得, “哦,对！我喜欢这个。
I like this person!" 我喜欢这个人！”
That's responsive desire, and it is key to understanding the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term, because -- and this is the part where I tell my friends 这是响应性欲望, 并且它是理解能长期保持 稳固性关系的夫妻 的关键所在, 因为——这部分是 我告诉我朋友的地方,
the two characteristics of the couples who do sustain a strong sexual connection -- one, they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship. 那些长期保持稳固性关系 的夫妻的两个特征—— 第一,他们的感情有着 深厚的友谊基础。
characteristics:n.特征;特点;品质;(characteristic的复数) foundation:n.基础;地基;基金会;根据;创立;
Specifically , they have strong trust. 特别是,他们彼此信任对方。
Specifically:adv.特别地;明确地;
Relationship researcher and therapist, developer of emotionally focused therapy , 关系研究者及治疗师, 情感专注疗法的开发者,
emotionally:adv.感情上;情绪上;令人激动地;情绪冲动地; therapy:n.治疗,疗法;
Sue Johnson, boils trust down to this question: 苏·约翰逊, 把信任归结为这两个问题:
Sue:v.控告;提起诉讼;(尤指在法庭上)提出请求;
Are you there for me? 你会为我守候吗？
Especially , are you emotionally present and available for me? 特别是,你对我的情感 存在且可用吗？
Especially:adv.尤其;特别;格外;十分;
Friends are there for each other. 朋友都是相互支持的。
One. 这是第一点。
The second characteristic is that they prioritize sex. 第二个特点是他们优先考虑性爱。
prioritize:v.按重要性排列;划分优先顺序;优先处理;
They decide that it matters for their relationship. 他们认定性爱对他们的关系很重要。
They choose to set aside all the other things that they could be doing -- the children they could be raising and the jobs they could be going to, the other family members to pay attention to , the other friends they might want to hang out with . 他们选择放开一切他们 可能在做的其他事情—— 他们可能要抚养的小孩 和他们可能要做的工作, 他们要照看的其他家人, 他们可能想一起 出去玩的其他朋友。
pay attention to:注意 hang out with:与…出去玩;与…闲逛;
God forbid they just want to watch some television or go to sleep. 但愿他们不只是 想看电视或想睡觉。
forbid:v.禁止;不准;不允许;(正式)严禁;
Stop doing all that stuff and create a protected space where all you're going to do is put your body in the bed and let your skin touch your partner's skin. 停止做所有那些事情 并创建一个受保护的空间, 在那里你要做的就是躺在床上, 让肌肤触摸伴侣的肌肤。
stuff:n.东西:物品:基本特征:v.填满:装满:标本:
So that's it: best friends, prioritize sex. 就是这样: 最好的朋友, 性爱优先。
So I said this to my friends in the bar. 于是我在酒吧跟我朋友说了这些。
I was like, best friends, prioritize sex, I told them about the party, 我说,最好的朋友,性爱优先, 我告诉了他们派对的故事,
I said you put your skin next to your partner's skin. 让肌肤亲近伴侣的肌肤。
And one of the partners I was talking to goes, "Aaagh." 和我谈话的一位伴侣说:“啊哈。”
(Laughter) （笑声）
And I was like, "OK, so, there's your problem." 我说,“好吧,所以, 这就是你的问题了。”
(Laughter) （笑声）
The difficulty was not that they did not want to go to the party, necessarily. 难点不一定在于他们不想参加派对,
If the difficulty is just a lack of spontaneous desire for party, you know what to do: you put on your party clothes and show up for the party. 如果困难只是缺乏自发的派对欲望, 你知道该做什么: 只需要穿上派对衣服出现在派对上。
If you're having fun at the party, you're doing it right. 如果你在派对上玩得开心,你做对了。
Their difficulty was that this was a party where she didn't love what there was available to eat, the music was not her favorite music, and she wasn't totally sure she felt great about her relationships with people who were at the party. 难点在于这个派对上 没有她喜欢吃的食物, 音乐也不对她胃口, 并且她也不完全确定她对派对上的人 的关系感到满意。
And this happens all the time: nice people who love each other come to dread sex. 这种事一直在发生: 彼此相爱的好人惧怕性爱。
dread:n.恐惧;可怕的人(或物);vi.惧怕;担心;vt.惧怕;担心;adj.可怕的;
These couples, if they seek sex therapy, the therapist might have them stand up and put as much distance between their bodies as they need in order to feel comfortable, and the less interested partner will make 20 feet of space. 这些夫妻,如果他们寻求性爱治疗, 治疗师可能会让他们站起来, 为了让他们感到舒适,尽可能地 让他们的身体保持距离, 而不太感兴趣的伴侣 会腾出 20 英尺的空间。
seek:v.寻求;寻找;谋求;
And the really difficult part is that space is not empty. 真正的困难在于这空间不是空的。
It is crowded with weeks or months or more of the, "You're not listening to me," 它挤满了数周,数月甚至 更长的类似这样的东西: “你没在听我说话,”
and "I don't know what's wrong with me but your criticism isn't helping," 和“我不知道我有什么毛病, 但你的指责没用。”
criticism:n.批评;批判;评论;指责;
and, "If you loved me, you would," and, "You're not there for me." 以及“如果你爱我,就会这样做。” 或“我需要你的时候,你不在那。”
Years, maybe, of all these difficult feelings. 可能长达数年,全是这些困难的感觉。
In the book, I use this really silly metaphor of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs that you are fostering until you can find a way to set them free by turning toward them with kindness and compassion . 在书中,我用了一个非常愚蠢的比喻, 把困难的感觉比喻成你在 饲养的昏昏欲睡的刺猬, 直到你能找到一种方法放生它们, 带着善意和同情对待它们。
sleepy:adj.困倦的;瞌睡的;安静的; hedgehogs:[脊椎]刺猬(hedgehog的复数); fostering:v.促进;助长;培养;鼓励;抚育;(foster的现在分词) compassion:n.同情;怜悯;
And the couples who struggle to maintain a strong sexual connection, the distance between them is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs. 那些挣扎着保持 稳固性爱关系的伴侣, 他们之间的距离充满着 这些昏昏欲睡的刺猬。
maintain:v.维持;保持;维修;保养;坚持(意见);
And it happens in any relationship that lasts long enough. 这会发生在任何一段 持续够久的关系上。
You, too, are fostering a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs between you and your certain special someone. 你也一样,在你和那个特定的人中间 养了一只昏昏欲睡的刺猬。
prickle:n.刺; vt.针一般地刺; vi.引起刺痛;
The difference between couples who sustain a strong sexual connection and the ones who don't is not that they don't experience these difficult hurt feelings, 维持稳固性关系的夫妻 与没能维持的夫妻 之间的差异, 并不在于他们没经历 这些困难的感受,
it's that they turn towards those difficult feelings with kindness and compassion so that they can set them free and find their way back to each other. 而在于他们把这些困难的感觉 转向善意和同情, 这样他们就能够释放这些感觉 并找到回到彼此身边的路。
So my friends in the bar are faced with the question under the question, not, "How do we sustain a strong connection?" 于是我酒吧的朋友面临着 隐藏在表面之下的问题, 这个问题不是, “我们如何维持稳固的关系？”
but, "How do we find our way back to it?" 而是,“我们如何找回原来的感觉？”
And, yes, there is science to answer this question, but in 25 years as a sex educator, one thing I have learned is sometimes, Emily, less science, more hedgehogs. 是的,有科学能回答这个问题, 但在作为性教育者的 25 年中, 我学到的一件事是, 有时候,艾米丽, 科学更少, 刺猬更多。
So I told them about me. 于是我告诉了他们我的故事。
I spent many months writing a book about the science of women's sexual well-being . 我花了好几个月写关于 女性“性福”科学的书。
well-being:n.幸福;康乐;
I was thinking about sex all day, every day, and I was so stressed by the project that I had zero -- zero! -- interest in actually having any sex. 我天天都在想性的事情, 我被这个项目压得 喘不过气来,以致我对性爱 开始变得毫无兴趣。
And then I spent months traveling all over, talking with anyone who would listen about the science of women's sexual well-being. 然后我花了数月到处旅行, 跟任何愿意倾听 女性“性福”科学的人交谈。
And by the time I got home, you know, 当我回到家时,
I'd show up for the party, put my body in the bed, let my skin touch my partner's skin, and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I would just cry and fall asleep. 我试着出现在派对上, 让自己躺在床上, 让肌肤触摸伴侣的肌肤, 然而我太累了,不堪重负, 只想哭着就睡着。
exhausted:adj.筋疲力尽的; v.使筋疲力尽; (exhaust的过去分词和过去式) overwhelmed:v.受打击,压倒;淹没;(overwhelm的过去分词和过去式)
And the months of isolation fostered fear and loneliness and frustration . 几个月的孤立助长了恐惧、孤独 和沮丧。
fostered:vt.培养;养育,抚育;抱(希望等);adj.收养的,养育的; frustration:n.挫折;
So many hedgehogs. 如此之多的刺猬。
My best friend, this person I love and admire, felt a million miles away. 我最好的朋友,我所爱的 和仰慕的这个人, 感觉远在千里之外。
But ... 但…
he was still there for me. 他仍然在那里守候我。
No matter how many difficult feelings there were, he turned toward them with kindness and compassion. 不管心里多难受, 他都会用善意和同情对待它们。
He never turned away. 他从不转身离开。
And what was the second characteristic of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection? 那么什么是夫妻维持 稳固性关系的第二个特征？
They prioritize sex. 他们把性爱放在第一位。
They decide that it matters for their relationship, that they do what it takes to find their way back to the connection. 他们肯定了这对他们关系的重要性, 他们会尽一切努力 重新回到这种关系。
I told my friends what sex therapist and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says. 我告诉我的朋友,性治疗师兼研究者 佩吉·克莱因普拉茨是这么说的,
She asks: What kind of sex is worth wanting? 她问:“女性想要什么样的性爱？
My partner and I looked at the quality of our connection and what it brought to our lives, and we looked at the family of sleepy hedgehogs 我和伴侣研究了我们之间的关系, 以及它给我们的生活带来了什么, 我们看着我带入我们家中的
I had introduced into our home. 昏昏欲睡的刺猬。
And we decided it was worth it. 我们确认,性爱值得。
We decided -- we chose -- to do what it took to find our way, turning towards each of those sleepy hedgehogs, those difficult hurt feelings, with kindness and compassion 我们决定——我们选择—— 尽一切可能寻找方法, 用善意和同情去看待每一个 昏昏欲睡的刺猬, 那些痛苦的感觉,
and setting them free so that we could find our way back to the connection that mattered for our relationship. 并释放它们,这样我们才能找回 对我们关系很重要的联系。
This is not the story we are usually told about how sexual desire works in long-term relationships. 这不是我们通常听到的 性欲如何在长期关系中 起作用的故事。
long-term:adj.长期的;从长远来看;
But I can think of nothing more romantic , nothing sexier , than being chosen as a priority because that connection matters enough, even after I introduced all of these difficult feelings into our relationship. 但我认为没有什么 比选择性爱优先 更加浪漫,更加性感的了, 因为这个关系足够重要, 即便在我引入所有这些困难 的感觉到我们的关系之后。
romantic:adj.浪漫的;爱情的;n.浪漫的人;耽于幻想的人; sexier:性感的(sexy的比较级); priority:n.优先;优先权;[数]优先次序;优先考虑的事;
How do you sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term? 你如何长期保持稳固的性关系？
You look into the eyes of your best friend, and you keep choosing to find your way back. 你望着你最好的朋友的眼睛, 并且一直选择回到最初。
Thank you. 谢谢。
(Applause) （鼓掌）