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EleanorLongden_2013-_我脑子里的声音_
The day I left home for the first time to go to university was a bright day brimming with hope and optimism . 我第一次离家到大学念书的那天 感觉棒呆了! 日子充满希望
brimming:v.(使)满,盛满;(brim的现在分词) optimism:n.乐观;乐观主义;
I'd done well at school. Expectations for me were high, and I gleefully entered the student life of lectures, parties and traffic cone theft. 我学业表现不错,大家对我期望颇高 我也满怀期待地投入大学生活 上课、参加派对,喝醉了偷交通路标.
Expectations:n.预料;预期;期待;希望;指望;(expectation的复数) gleefully:adv.欢欣地;极快乐地; traffic cone:un.锥形交通路标;
Now appearances , of course, can be deceptive , and to an extent , this feisty , energetic persona of lecture-going and traffic cone stealing was a veneer , albeit a very well-crafted and convincing one. 当然,事情不能只看表面 就某种程度而言,上课和偷交通路标 这些活跃又不服输的印象只是伪装 但掩饰得很好,足以瞒过任何人
appearances:n.露面;外观;出现;表面的迹象[征兆];(appearance的复数) deceptive:adj.欺诈的;迷惑的;虚伪的; extent:n.程度;范围;长度; feisty:adj.活跃的;好争吵的;烦躁不安的;坚决而据理力争的; energetic:adj.精力充沛的;充满活力的;需要能量的;积极的; persona:n.人物角色;伪装的外表; veneer:n.外表;虚饰;饰面;胶合板的一层;薄木片;vt.胶合;虚饰;给…镶以饰片; albeit:conj.虽然;即使; convincing:adj.令人信服的; v.使确信; (convince的现在分词)
Underneath , I was actually deeply unhappy, insecure and fundamentally frightened -- frightened of other people, of the future, of failure and of the emptiness that I felt was within me. 只是我内心其实不快乐而且不安 骨子里很害怕…… 怕其他人、未来,怕失败 还有内心的空虚感
Underneath:prep.在…的下面;在…的支配下;n.下面;底部;adj.下面的;底层的; insecure:adj.不安全的;不稳定的;不牢靠的; fundamentally:adv.从根本上;基础地;重要地 frightened:adj.害怕的;受惊的;惊吓的;v.使惊吓;使惊恐;(frighten的过去分词和过去式) emptiness:n.空虚;无知;
But I was skilled at hiding it, and from the outside appeared to be someone with everything to hope for and aspire to. 但我隐藏得很好! 外表看来就像是对一切都充满期待 与抱负
skilled:adj.熟练的;有技能的;需要技能的; aspire:v.渴望(成就);有志(成为);
This fantasy of invulnerability was so complete that I even deceived myself, and as the first semester ended and the second began, there was no way that anyone could have predicted what was just about to happen. 甚么都不怕的想法是如此彻底 连我自己都信以为真 所以念完一学期;而新学期开始的时候 根本没人能预料 将要发生的事
fantasy:n.幻想; adj.虚幻的; v.空想; invulnerability:n.刀枪不入,不会受伤害; deceived:v.蒙骗;欺骗(自己);使人误信;误导;(deceive的过去分词和过去式) semester:n.学期;半年; predicted:v.预言;预告;预报;(predict的过去分词和过去式)
I was leaving a seminar when it started, humming to myself, fumbling with my bag just as I'd done a hundred times before, when suddenly I heard a voice calmly observe , "She is leaving the room." 当时已开始上课而我正要逃学 我边哼歌边收拾东西 动作一如往常熟练 这时传来一个冷眼旁观的声音 「她要走了」
seminar:n.讨论会,研讨班; humming:v.哼(曲子);发嗡嗡声;活跃;繁忙;(hum的现在分词) fumbling:adj.笨拙的;支支吾吾的;v.摸索(fumble的ing形式); calmly:adv.冷静地;平静地;安静地; observe:v.观察;看到;庆祝;监视;
I looked around, and there was no one there, but the clarity and decisiveness of the comment was unmistakable . 我四下张望,但根本没人 那声音听来果断清晰 不可能是我听错
clarity:n.清楚,明晰;透明; decisiveness:n.果断; unmistakable:adj.明显的;不会弄错的;
Shaken, I left my books on the stairs and hurried home, and there it was again. 我太震惊了,连忘在阶梯上的书都没拿 就冲回家,但那声音又来了!
'"She is opening the door." 就冲回家,但那声音又来了!
This was the beginning. The voice had arrived. [就是这样开始的]:这个声音在我耳边响起
And the voice persisted , days and then weeks of it, on and on , narrating everything I did in the third person . 并且持续不断 每天每星期地重复 以旁观者的语气叙述我作的事
persisted:v.持续(persist的过去分词);坚持不懈; on and on:继续不停地; narrating:v.叙述(narrate的ing形式); third person:第三人称角色;
'"She is going to the library." 「她要上图馆了」
'"She is going to a lecture ." 「她要去上课了」
lecture:n.演讲;讲座;讲课;谴责;v.开讲座;讲授;讲课;指责;告诫
It was neutral , impassive and even, after a while, strangely companionate and reassuring , although I did notice that its calm exterior sometimes slipped and that it occasionally mirrored my own unexpressed emotion . 这声音起初毫无感情,但一段时间后 却令人莫名熟悉与安慰 但我的确发现,这表面平静的语调 有时也会不经意地泄漏我隐藏的情绪
neutral:n.中立国; adj.中立的; impassive:adj.冷漠的;无感觉的; strangely:adv.奇怪地;奇妙地;不可思议地; companionate:adj.伙伴的,同伴的;友爱的,友好的; reassuring:adj.安心的;可靠的;鼓气的;v.使放心(reassure的现在分词); exterior:n.外观;外表;adj.外面的;外部的;外表的;户外的; slipped:adj.打滑的;v.滑倒;滑落;脱落;(slip的过去分词和过去式) occasionally:adv.偶尔;有时候;偶然; unexpressed:adj.未表达的;不明说的; emotion:n.强烈的感情;激情;情感;
So, for example, if I was angry and had to hide it, which I often did, being very adept at concealing how I really felt, then the voice would sound frustrated . 就拿我常需要压抑愤怒这事来说吧! 隐藏情绪这事我很在行的 不过那声音就会因此听起来很气馁
adept:adj.熟练的;擅长…的;n.内行;能手; concealing:v.隐藏;隐瞒;掩盖;(conceal的现在分词) frustrated:adj.失意的,挫败的;泄气的;v.挫败;阻挠;(frustrate的过去式和过去分词)
Otherwise, it was neither sinister nor disturbing , although even at that point it was clear that it had something to communicate to me about my emotions , particularly emotions which were remote and i nacces sible . 但其他时候,听来还不致令人不安 尽管这声音当时很明显地 有事要对我说 尤其是我的情绪 始终深藏不露的这件事
sinister:adj.阴险的;凶兆的;灾难性的;左边的; disturbing:adj.引起烦恼的;令人不安的;v.打扰;干扰;搅乱;使不安;(disturb的现在分词) emotions:n.强烈的感情;激情;情感;(emotion的复数) particularly:adv.特别地,独特地;详细地,具体地;明确地,细致地;
Now it was then that I made a fatal mistake, in that I told a friend about the voice, and she was horrified . 就在那时我犯了一个大错 我把听到声音的说给一位朋友听,她吓坏了!
fatal:adj.致命的;灾难性的;毁灭性的;导致失败的; horrified:adj.惊骇的;带有恐怖感的;v.惊骇(horrify的过去式和过去分词);使…战悚;
A subtle conditioning process had begun, the implication that normal people don't hear voices and the fact that I did meant that something was very seriously wrong. 她开始不着痕迹地导正我 暗示幻听不是正常现象 而且我自己也觉得很不对劲
subtle:adj.微妙的;精细的;敏感的;狡猾的;稀薄的; process:v.处理;加工;列队行进;n.过程,进行;方法,adj.经过特殊加工(或处理)的; implication:n.含意;可能的影响(或作用、结果);暗指;(被)牵连;
Such fear and mistrust was infectious . 这样的恐惧和疑虑是会传染的
mistrust:vt.猜疑;不信任;n.猜疑;疑虑;不信任 infectious:adj.传染的;传染性的;易传染的;
Suddenly the voice didn't seem quite so benign anymore, and when she insisted that I seek medical attention, 忽然那声音听来不再那么友善 当她坚持我必须去看医生
benign:adj.良性的;和蔼的,亲切的;吉利的; seek:v.寻求;寻找;谋求;
I duly complied , and which proved to be mistake number two. 我顺从地照做,但事后证明 又错了!
duly:adv.适当地;充分地;按时地; complied:v.遵照(comply的过去式和过去分词);
I spent some time telling the college G.P. 之后我找校医谈
about what I perceived to be the real problem: anxiety , low self-worth , fears about the future, and was met with bored indifference until I mentioned the voice, upon which he dropped his pen, swung round and began to question me with a show of real interest. 说出我担忧的问题 像是焦虑、没自信和对未来恐惧 但对方没什么兴趣,也不在乎 但当我一提到,听见有人说话这件事 他立刻放下手中的笔,转过头来 开始很关心地问了一些问题
perceived:v.注意到;意识到;将…视为;认为;(perceive的过去式和过去分词) anxiety:n.焦虑;渴望;挂念;令人焦虑的事; self-worth:n.自我价值;自尊;自负; bored:adj.无聊的;厌倦的;烦闷的;v.使厌烦;钻,凿,挖;(bore的过去分词和过去式) indifference:n.漠不关心;冷淡;不重视;中立;
And to be fair, I was desperate for interest and help, and I began to tell him about my strange commentator . 平心而论,我当时非常渴望关切和帮助 所以我就把有一位「评论员」的事说出来了
desperate:adj.不顾一切的;令人绝望的;极度渴望的; commentator:n.评论员,解说员;实况播音员;时事评论者;
And I always wish, at this point, the voice had said, "She is digging her own grave ." 我深信当时那声音会说 「她在自掘坟墓」
grave:adj.重大的;严肃的;黯淡的;n.墓穴,坟墓;死亡;v.雕刻;铭记;
I was referred to a psychiatrist , who likewise took a grim view of the voice's presence , subsequently interpreting everything I said through a lens of latent insanity . 我被转介给精神科医生 有声音这件事被很严肃地看待 所以接着我所说的一切 都被当作精神异常的可能征兆
referred:v.提到;引用;认为;指示;涉及;(refer的过去式和过去分词) psychiatrist:n.精神病学家,精神病医生; likewise:adv.同样地;也; grim:adj.冷酷的;糟糕的;残忍的; presence:n.存在;出席;参加;风度;仪态; subsequently:adv.随后,其后;后来; interpreting:n.解释;口译;v.解释;[语][计]翻译(interpret的现在分词); lens:n.透镜,镜头;晶状体;隐形眼镜;汽车的灯玻璃;v.给…摄影; latent:adj.潜在的;潜伏的;隐藏的; insanity:n.疯狂;精神错乱;精神病;愚顽;
For example, I was part of a student TV station that broadcast news bulletins around the campus , and during an appointment which was running very late, 比方说,我们学校有新闻电视台 而我是成员之一 有一次会面的时间太久
broadcast:v.广播; n.广播节目; adj.[无线]播音的; bulletins:n.公告;留言;新闻简报(bulletin的复数);v.公布(bulletin的三单形式); campus:n.(大学)校园;大学,大学生活;校园内的草地; appointment:n.任命;约定;任命的职位;
I said, "I'm sorry, doctor, I've got to go. 我说:「医生,抱歉我得走了!」
I'm reading the news at six." 「我还要回去报6点的新闻」
Now it's down on my medical records that Eleanor has delusions that she's a television news broadcaster . 结果诊断书上说我 幻想自已是电视新闻主播
delusions:n.[内科]妄想;错觉(delusion的复数形式); broadcaster:n.广播公司;广播员;播送设备;撒播物;
It was at this point that events began to rapidly overtake me. 从此事情发展 迅速超出我所能掌控
overtake:v.超过;赶上;(在数量或重要性方面)大于;(不愉快的事情)突然发生;
A hospital admission followed, the first of many, a diagnosis of schizophrenia came next, and then, worst of all, a toxic , tormenting sense of hopelessness , humiliation and despair about myself and my prospects . 就在我住院后 精神分裂的诊断也一一确定了 最糟的是,那种不抱希望、屈辱 还有对自己和前途绝望的折磨 令人痛苦不堪
admission:n.入场费;进入权;招供;门票费; diagnosis:n.诊断; schizophrenia:n.[内科]精神分裂症; toxic:adj.有毒的;中毒的; tormenting:v.使备受折磨;使痛苦;烦扰;戏弄;(torment的现在分词) hopelessness:n.绝望,无望;不抱希望; humiliation:n.丢脸,耻辱;蒙羞;谦卑; despair:v.绝望;失去希望;丧失信心;n.绝望; prospects:n.可能性; v.探矿; (prospect的第三人称单数和复数)
But having been encouraged to see the voice not as an experience but as a symptom , my fear and resistance towards it intensified . 因为一直被灌输这个观念 听到怪声音不是一种经验,是有病 我对此的恐惧和抗拒也与日俱增
symptom:n.症状;征候;征兆; resistance:n.电阻;抵抗;阻力;抗力; intensified:加强的;
Now essentially , this represented taking an aggressive stance towards my own mind, a kind of psychic civil war, and in turn this caused the number of voices to increase and grow progressively hostile and menacing . 本质上,这等于要我 与自己的思想为敌 就像是心灵内战 结果我听到的怪声音反而变多了 且逐渐衍生出敌意
essentially:adv.本质上;本来; represented:v.代表; (represent的过去式和过去分词) aggressive:adj.侵略性的;好斗的;有进取心的;有闯劲的; psychic:adj.精神的;心灵的;灵魂的;超自然的;n.灵媒;巫师; civil:adj.公民的;民间的;文职的;有礼貌的;根据民法的; progressively:adv.渐进地;日益增多地; hostile:adj.敌意的; n.敌对分子; menacing:adj.威胁的;危险的;恐吓的;v.威胁;对…构成危险;危及;(menace的现在分词)
Helplessly and hopelessly , I began to retreat into this nightmarish inner world in which the voices were destined to become both my persecutors and my only perceived companions . 感到绝望又无助的我 便自我封闭于噩梦般的内心世界 而那些声音便成了其中 我唯一的伙伴及加害者
Helplessly:adv.无助地;无能为力地; hopelessly:adv.绝望地;无望地;无可救药地; retreat:v.撤退;退却;后退;退缩;n.撤退;退却;退缩;退避; nightmarish:adj.可怕的;恶梦似的;不愉快的; inner:n.内部;射中接近靶心部分的一发;adj.里面的;向内的;内部的;接近中心的; destined:adj.注定的;命定的;去往…的;v.注定;(destine的过去式和过去分词) persecutors:n.虐待者;迫害者; companions:n.同伴;同事(companion的复数);伴随物;v.陪伴;伴随(companion的三单形式);
They told me, for example, that if I proved myself worthy of their help, then they could change my life back to how it had been, and a series of increasingly bizarre tasks was set, a kind of labor of Hercules . 那些声音告诉我,如果我能证明 自己值得他们帮助,那么 他们可让我的人生回到原来的样子 而一连串怪异的任务于焉展开 都不是容易应付的那种
worthy:adj.值得的; n.杰出人物; series:n.系列,连续;[电]串联;级数;丛书; increasingly:adv.越来越多地;渐增地; bizarre:adj.奇异的(指态度,容貌,款式等); Hercules:n.力士;大力神;武仙座;
It started off quite small, for example, pull out three strands of hair, but gradually it grew more extreme , culminating in commands to harm myself, and a particularly dramatic instruction: "You see that tutor over there? 刚开始还只是小意思 像是拔下3搓头发 但逐渐变本加厉 最后要我做一些伤害自己的事 还有一些蛮夸张的指示 「看见那助教没?」
strands:n.线; v.搁浅; gradually:adv.渐渐地;逐步地; extreme:adj.极端的;极度的;偏激的;尽头的;n.极端;末端;最大程度;极端的事物; culminating:v.(以某种结果)告终;(在某一点)结束;(culminate的现在分词) dramatic:adj.突然的;巨大的;令人吃惊的;激动人心的;
You see that glass of water? 「有一杯水对吧?」
Well, you have to go over and pour it over him in front of the other students." 「我要妳过去在其他学生面前,把水倒在他头上」
to go over:复习; pour:v.倒; n.流出; (已熔金属的)一次浇注量;
Which I actually did, and which needless to say did not endear me to the faculty . 我真的照做了! 当然不用说 我也成为教职员眼中的头痛人物
needless:adj.不必要的,不需要的;多余的,无用的; endear:vt.使…受钟爱;使…亲密; faculty:n.科,系;能力;全体教员;
In effect, a vicious cycle of fear, avoidance , mistrust and misunderstanding had been established , and this was a battle in which I felt powerless and incapable of establishing any kind of peace or reconciliation . 事实上,恐惧、回避 猜忌和误解的恶性循环已经形成 但我无力抗拒 也无法妥协或平静下来
vicious:adj.恶毒的;恶意的;堕落的;有错误的;品性不端的;剧烈的; avoidance:n.逃避;废止;职位空缺; misunderstanding:n.误解;误会;意见不一;v.误解;误会(misunderstand的现在分词) established:adj.已确立的;著名的;v.建立;创立;设立;(establish的过去分词和过去式) incapable:adj.不能的;无能力的;不能胜任的; establishing:v.建立;创立;设立;使稳固;(establish的现在分词) reconciliation:n.和解;调和;和谐;甘愿;
Two years later, and the deterioration was dramatic. 2年后,情况急遽转坏
deterioration:n.恶化;退化;堕落;
By now, I had the whole frenzied repertoire : terrifying voices, grotesque visions , bizarre, intractable delusions. 这期间我经历过各种怪事 令人害怕的声音,丑陋的影像 莫名的怪异幻象
frenzied:adj.疯狂的;狂乱的;激怒的;v.使狂乱(frenzy的过去式); repertoire:n.全部节目;计算机指令系统;(美)某人或机器的全部技能; terrifying:adj.令人恐惧的;骇人的;极大的;v.使害怕,使恐怖;(terrify的现在分词) grotesque:n.奇异风格;怪异的东西;adj.奇形怪状的;奇怪的;可笑的; visions:n.愿景; v.想像; intractable:adj.棘手的;难治的;倔强的;不听话的;
My mental health status had been a catalyst for discrimination , verbal abuse , and physical and sexual assault , and I'd been told by my psychiatrist, "Eleanor, you'd be better off with cancer , because cancer is easier to cure than schizophrenia." 而我的心理状态 让我饱受歧视与言词羞辱 甚至被攻击和性侵 我的心理医生还曾告诉我 「Eleanor, 妳若是得癌症还比较好」 「精神分裂还比较难治!」
status:n.地位;状态;情形;重要身份; catalyst:n.[物化]催化剂;刺激因素; discrimination:n.歧视;区别,辨别;识别力; verbal:adj.口头的;言语的;动词的;照字面的;n.动词的非谓语形式; abuse:n.滥用;虐待;辱骂;弊端;恶习,陋习;v.滥用;虐待;辱骂; physical:adj.[物]物理的;身体的;物质的;符合自然法则的;n.体格检查; sexual assault:性侵犯;性暴行; cancer:n.癌症;恶性肿瘤;
I'd been diagnosed , drugged and discarded , and was by now so tormented by the voices that I attempted to drill a hole in my head in order to get them out. 经过诊断、用药,然后被遗弃 深受那些声音所苦 让我一度想在头上开个洞 好把那些声音赶出去
diagnosed:v.诊断(疾病);判断(问题的原因);(diagnose的过去分词和过去式) discarded:v.丢弃;抛弃;垫(牌);打出(无用的牌);(discard的过去式和过去分词) tormented:v.使备受折磨;使痛苦;烦扰;戏弄;捉弄;(torment的过去分词和过去式) attempted:adj.未遂的;v.努力;尝试;试图;(attempt的过去分词和过去式)
Now looking back on the wreckage and despair of those years, it seems to me now as if someone died in that place, and yet, someone else was saved. 回首这些年的千疮百孔 看来就像有人陨殁 但另一个人却获救
wreckage:n.(失事船或飞机等的)残骸;(船只等的)失事;
A broken and haunted person began that journey , but the person who emerged was a survivor and would ultimately grow into the person 起初那个伤痕累累又不安的人 已褪变为一个救星 最后变成
journey:n.旅行;行程;vi.旅行; emerged:v.(从隐蔽处或暗处)出现;暴露;露出真相;显现;(emerge的过去分词和过去式) ultimately:adv.最终;最后;归根结底;终究;
I was destined to be. 命中注定的样子
Many people have harmed me in my life, and I remember them all, but the memories grow pale and faint in comparison with the people who've helped me. 我这一生被许多人伤害过 而且我都记得 但相较于受人恩惠 那些不堪回首的事就显得依稀模糊了
faint:n.昏厥;v.昏厥;adj.昏眩;(光,声,味)微弱的;微小的;可能性不大的; in comparison with:与…比较,同…比较起来;
The fellow survivors, the fellow voice-hearers, the comrades and collaborators; the mother who never gave up on me, who knew that one day I would come back to her 那些同病相怜的过来人、 朋友和伙伴 还有对我从未放弃希望的母亲 她知道女儿总有一天会恢复
and was willing to wait for me for as long as it took; the doctor who only worked with me for a brief time but who reinforced his belief that recovery was not only possible but inevitable , and during a devastating period of relapse told my terrified family, "Don't give up hope. 而她愿意一直等下去 那位和我萍水相逢的医生 不仅坚信我有可能康复 而且一定会康复. 在我病情不断复发,令人心力憔悴的那段时间 他告诉我的家人:「别放弃希望!
as long as:conj.只要;长达;如果;既然; reinforced:adj.加固的;加强的;加筋的;v.加强;增援;(reinforce的过去式和过去分词) recovery:n.恢复,复原;痊愈;重获; inevitable:adj.必然的,不可避免的; devastating:adj.毁灭性的; v.毁灭; (devastate的现在分词) relapse:vi.故态复萌;旧病复发;再度堕落;再陷邪道;n.复发,再发;故态复萌;回复原状;
I believe that Eleanor can get through this. 「我相信Eleanor能捱过这关!」
Sometimes, you know, it snows as late as May, but summer always comes eventually ." 「有时候5月天也会下雪」 「但夏天终究会来!」
eventually:adv.最后,终于;
Fourteen minutes is not enough time to fully credit those good and generous people who fought with me and for me and who waited to welcome me back from that agonized , lonely place. 14分钟的时间其实不够我去感谢 那些拉我一把的好人 有人与我并肩作战,为我挺身而出 还有人盼着我 从孤独沉痛中恢复过来
generous:adj.慷慨的,大方的;宽宏大量的;有雅量的; agonized:adj.十分痛苦的; v.苦苦思索; (agonize的过去分词和过去式)
But together, they forged a blend of courage, creativity, integrity , and an unshakeable belief that my shattered self could become healed and whole. 但他们共同造就的勇气 创造力、诚信和坚定信念 让原来支离破碎的我,得以找回完整的自己
forged:v.艰苦干成;努力加强;假冒;制作;(forge的过去分词和过去式) blend:v.混合;融合;加入;相称;n.混合;混合物;混合种;混合色; integrity:n.完整;正直;诚实;廉正; unshakeable:adj.不可动摇的;坚定不移的; shattered:adj.受到严重打击的; v.(使)破碎,碎裂; (shatter的过去式和过去分词) healed:v.(使)康复,复原;治愈(病人);(使)结束;(heal的过去分词和过去式)
I used to say that these people saved me, but what I now know is they did something even more important in that they empowered me to save myself, and crucially , they helped me to understand something which I'd always suspected : that my voices were a meaningful response 我曾说这些人救了我 但我现在才明白 是他们让我有力量 拯救自己 更重要的是,他们让我了解 一件我过去始终不确定的事 我所听见的那些声音,其实是以有意义的方式
empowered:v.授权;给(某人)…的权力;(empower的过去分词和过去式) crucially:adv.关键地;至关重要地; suspected:v.怀疑;不信任;(suspect的过去分词和过去式) meaningful:adj.严肃的;重要的;重大的;意味深长的; response:n.响应;反应;回答;
to traumatic life events, particularly childhood events, and as such were not my enemies but a source of insight into solvable emotional problems. 响应过去的伤痛,尤其是我的童年 这样说来,我们不应彼此为敌 是这些声音让我看清那些并非无解的情绪问题
traumatic:adj.外伤的;创伤的;n.外伤药; childhood:n.童年;幼年;孩童时期 source:n.来源;水源;原始资料; insight:n.洞察力;洞悉; solvable:adj.可以解决的;可以解的;可溶的; emotional:adj.情绪的;易激动的;感动人的;
Now, at first, this was very difficult to believe, not least because the voices appeared so hostile and menacing, so in this respect, a vital first step 起初这很难去相信 不只因为那些声音好像不怀好意 既然如此,首要步骤就是
vital:adj.至关重要的;生死攸关的;有活力的;
was learning to separate out a metaphorical meaning from what I'd previously interpreted to be a literal truth. 学着从我原本理解的表象中 找到其中的隐含的意义
metaphorical:adj.比喻性的,隐喻性的; previously:adv.先前;以前; interpreted:v.诠释;说明;把…理解为;领会;口译;(interpret的过去式和过去分词) literal:adj.文字的;逐字的;无夸张的;
So for example, voices which threatened to attack my home 举例来说,那些声音曾威胁要袭击我家
I learned to interpret as my own sense of fear and insecurity in the world, rather than an actual, objective danger. 那时我习惯以自身的恐惧感和不安来解读事情 而非真正具体的危险
insecurity:n.不安全;不牢靠;无把握;心神不定; objective:n.目标; adj.客观的;
Now at first, I would have believed them. 刚开始我信以为真
I remember, for example, sitting up one night on guard outside my parents' room to protect them from what I thought was a genuine threat from the voices. 还记得有一次我彻夜不眠 守在我爸妈房门前 提防我认为那些声音很可能带来的威胁
genuine:adj.真实的,真正的;诚恳的;
Because I'd had such a bad problem with self-injury that most of the cutlery in the house had been hidden, so I ended up arming myself with a plastic fork, 因为在那之前我自残过好几次 所以家里大部分的餐具都被藏起来 最后我拿一支塑料叉当武器
cutlery:n.餐具;刀剑制造业;
kind of like picnic ware , and sort of sat outside the room clutching it and waiting to spring into action should anything happen. 就是那种野餐用的,然后坐在门外 把叉子夹在腋下高度戒备
ware:n.陶器,器皿;制品;器具;货物;vt.留心;小心; clutching:v.紧握;抱紧;抓紧(clutch的现在分词)
It was like, "Don't mess with me. 那情形就像说:「别惹我!」
mess:n.混乱;餐厅;杂乱;肮脏;v.使不整洁;弄脏;弄乱;随地便溺;
I've got a plastic fork, don't you know?" 「你不知道我有武器吗?」
Strategic . 这是我用的战术
Strategic:adj.战略上的,战略的;
But a later response, and much more useful, would be to try and deconstruct the message behind the words, so when the voices warned me not to leave the house, then I would thank them for drawing my attention to how unsafe I felt -- 但我随后的反应比较有效 我尝试拆解言外之意 所以当声音警告我不要出门 我会谢谢他们的提醒 让我注意到自己多缺乏安全感
deconstruct:vt.解构;拆析; unsafe:adj.不安全的;危险的;不安稳的;
because if I was aware of it, then I could do something positive about it -- but go on to reassure both them and myself that we were safe and didn't need to feel frightened anymore. 让我注意到自己多缺乏安全感 安抚自己及那些声音 我们很安全,用不着害怕
positive:adj.积极的;[数]正的,[医][化学]阳性的;确定的;n.正数;[摄]正片; reassure:vt.使…安心,使消除疑虑;
I would set boundaries for the voices, and try to interact with them in a way that was assertive yet respectful , establishing a slow process of communication and collaboration in which we could learn to work together and support one another. 我会与「他们」划清界线 试着以坚决的态度与他们沟通 但保持尊重 并放缓沟通及合作的过程 这样「我们」才能学习共事,互相扶持
boundaries:n.边界;分界线;(boundary的复数) interact:v.互相影响;互相作用;n.幕间剧;幕间休息; assertive:adj.肯定的;独断的;坚定而自信的; respectful:adj.恭敬的;有礼貌的; collaboration:n.合作;勾结;通敌;
Throughout all of this, what I would ultimately realize was that each voice was closely related to aspects of myself, and that each of them carried overwhelming emotions that I'd never had an opportunity to process or resolve , memories of sexual trauma and abuse, of anger, shame, guilt, low self-worth. 经过这一切,我才恍然大悟 每一个我听到的声音 都跟自己密切相关 而且都带着丰沛的情绪 只是我以前没机会处理那些记忆 像是性创伤、性虐待 愤怒、惭愧、罪恶感和妄自菲薄
Throughout:adv.自始至终,到处;全部;prep.贯穿,遍及; aspects:n.方面;相位;面貌(aspect的复数); overwhelming:adj.势不可挡的; v.压倒; (overwhelm的现在分词) resolve:vt.决定; vi.解决; n.坚决;
The voices took the place of this pain and gave words to it, and possibly one of the greatest revelations was when I realized that the most hostile and aggressive voices actually represented the parts of me that had been hurt most profoundly , and as such, it was these voices that needed to be shown the greatest compassion and care. 那些声音取代了伤痛 并把痛苦说出来 不过最重要的启示也许是 当我明白那些最具敌意和侵略性的声音 其实就代表 我受伤最深的那部分 因此,正是这些声音 需要最多关爱和同情
revelations:n.被暴露的真相;披露;揭露;(revelation的复数) profoundly:adv.深刻地;深深地;极度地; compassion:n.同情;怜悯;
It was armed with this knowledge that ultimately 正是这样的领悟让我最后
I would gather together my shattered self, each fragment represented by a different voice, gradually withdraw from all my medication , and return to psychiatry , only this time from the other side. 愿意把那些声音构成的片段拼凑起来 找回完整的自我 并逐渐摆脱对药物的依赖 我又回到精神科,不过这次是研究
fragment:n.片段;破片;弹片;小块;v.分割;使成碎片; withdraw:v.撤回;提;撤离;停止提供; medication:n.药;药物; psychiatry:n.精神病学;精神病治疗法;
Ten years after the voice first came, I finally graduated, this time with the highest degree in psychology the university had ever given, and one year later, the highest masters, which shall we say isn't bad for a madwoman . 第一次听到声音已是10年前的事了 而这次我终于取得心理学最高学位! 是我母校在该领域颁发过的最高学历 对一个疯女人来说 能取得硕士学历也不差!
finally:adv.终于;最终;(用于列举)最后;彻底地; psychology:n.心理学;心理状态; madwoman:n.疯女,狂女;
In fact, one of the voices actually dictated the answers during the exam, which technically possibly counts as cheating. 老实说,考试的时候我还听到报答案的声音 这应该算作弊吧!
dictated:adj.口述的(dictate的过去分词);v.口述(dictate的过去分词);
(Laughter) (笑声)
And to be honest, sometimes I quite enjoyed their attention as well. 坦白讲,我有时还挺享受这种被「关照」的感觉
As Oscar Wilde has said, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. 就像王尔德说的,唯一比被人议论更糟糕的事 就是你这人根本不值一提.
It also makes you very good at eavesdropping , because you can listen to two conversations simultaneously . 这经验让我非常善于偷听人讲话 因为我可同时听懂两边的对话
eavesdropping:v.偷听,窃听(其他人谈话)(eavesdrop的现在分词) simultaneously:adv.同时地;
So it's not all bad. 算起来也没那么糟!
I worked in mental health services, 我在心理健康部门工作过
I spoke at conferences , 也在多场研讨会上发表过演讲
conferences:n.会议(conference的复数形式);
I published book chapters and academic articles, and I argued, and continue to do so, the relevance of the following concept: that an important question in psychiatry shouldn't be what's wrong with you but rather what's happened to you. 还出版过专文与书籍专章 到目前我还在争论 接下来这个观念的关联性 精神病诊断上,关键问题不应该是 「你哪里不对劲?」 而是「发生甚么事了?」
academic:adj.学术的;理论的;学院的;n.大学生,大学教师;学者; relevance:n.关联;适当;中肯;
And all the while, I listened to my voices, with whom I'd finally learned to live with peace and respect and which in turn reflected a growing sense of compassion, acceptance and respect towards myself. 这段时间我倾听那些 好不容易得以泰然处之的声音 而这也反映出 我越来越能同情、接纳和尊重自己
reflected:adj.反射的;得自他人的;v.反射;思考;(reflect的过去式和过去分词) acceptance:n.验收;接受;认可;承认;
And I remember the most moving and extraordinary moment when supporting another young woman who was terrorized by her voices, and becoming fully aware, for the very first time, that I no longer felt that way myself but was finally able to help someone else who was. 记得最令我感动的特别时刻是 帮助另一个被自己内心声音吓坏的年轻女性 那是我首次意识到 我看待自己的方式改变了 而且还有能力帮别人突破
extraordinary:adj.非凡的;特别的;离奇的;临时的;特派的; terrorized:v.恐吓;恫吓;威胁;(terrorize的过去分词和过去式)
I'm now very proud to be a part of Intervoice, the organizational body of the International Hearing Voices Movement, an initiative inspired by the work of Professor Marius Romme and Dr. Sandra Escher, 身为「众声喧哗」(Intervoice) 的一员,我引以为荣! 它是国际听声组织(the International Hearing Voices Movement)的筹划单位 在Sandra Escher博士和Marius Romme教授 的著作启发下成立
organizational:adj.组织的;编制的; initiative:n.倡议;主动性;积极性;主动权;adj.起始的; inspired:adj.受到启发的; v.鼓舞; (inspire的过去分词和过去式)
which locates voice hearing as a survival strategy , a sane reaction to insane circumstances , not as an aberrant symptom of schizophrenia to be endured , 他们将「听到声音」视为一种生存策略 一种在异常情境下的合理反应 不是旁人必须包容的精神分裂症状
locates:vt.位于;查找…的地点;vi.定位;定居; survival:n.幸存,残存;幸存者,残存物; strategy:n.策略;行动计划;部署;战略; reaction:n.反应,感应;反动,复古;反作用; insane:adj.疯狂的;精神病的;极愚蠢的; circumstances:n.情况;环境;情形;(circumstance的复数) aberrant:adj.异常的;畸变的;脱离常轨的;迷乱的; endured:v.忍耐;忍受;持续;持久;(endure的过去分词和过去式)
but a complex , significant and meaningful experience to be explored . 反而是有待深入研究、 复杂、重要且有意义的经验
complex:adj.复杂的;合成的;n.复合体;综合设施; significant:adj.重大的;有效的;有意义的;值得注意的;意味深长的;n.象征;有意义的事物; explored:v.探索;勘探;考察;探险;(explore的过去式和过去分词)
Together, we envisage and enact a society that understands and respects voice hearing, supports the needs of individuals who hear voices, and which values them as full citizens. 我们共同预见并推动 能理解尊重「听声者」的社会环境 支持他们的需求 把他们当享有权利的公民看待
envisage:vt.正视,面对;想像; enact:vt.颁布;制定法律;扮演;发生; individuals:n.[经]个人;[生物]个体(individual的复数);
This type of society is not only possible, it's already on its way. 这种社会不但可能 且已逐渐形成
To paraphrase Chavez , once social change begins, it cannot be reversed . 用美国社会运动家César Chávez的话说 社会变迁一旦开始便无法回头
paraphrase:n.释义;解释;意译;vt.释义; Chavez:n.查韦斯(委内瑞拉总统); reversed:v.颠倒; (reverse的过去分词和过去式)
You cannot humiliate the person who feels pride. 自重之人不会为人所羞辱
humiliate:v.羞辱;使丧失尊严;
You cannot oppress the people who are not afraid anymore. 无所畏惧之人 则不为人所压迫
oppress:vt.压迫,压抑;使…烦恼;使…感到沉重;
For me, the achievements of the Hearing Voices Movement are a reminder that empathy , fellowship , justice and respect are more than words; they are convictions and beliefs, and that beliefs can change the world. 对我来说,国际听声组织(IHVM)的成就 提醒世人同理心、友谊 正义和尊重胜过言语 它们是坚定的信念 而信念可以改变世界
empathy:n.神入;移情作用;执着; fellowship:n.友谊;奖学金;研究员职位; justice:n.公平;公正;司法制度;审判; convictions:n.判罪;定罪;坚定的看法(或信念);坚信;肯定;(conviction的复数)
In the last 20 years, the Hearing Voices Movement has established hearing voices networks in 26 countries across five continents , working together to promote dignity , solidarity 国际听声组织在过去20年 已在5大洲的26国 建立联系管道 共同致力提升承受精神折磨者的
continents:n.[地理]大陆,大洲(continent复数); promote:v.促进;推动;促销;提升;晋升; dignity:n.尊严;高贵; solidarity:n.团结,团结一致;
and empowerment for individuals in mental distress , to create a new language and practice of hope, which, at its very center, lies an unshakable belief in the power of the individual. 尊严、团结和自立能力 希望以此塑造希望的言词与实践 其中的核心就是 对个人能力坚定不疑的信念
empowerment:n.许可,授权; distress:n.危难,不幸;贫困;悲痛;v.使悲痛;使贫困; unshakable:adj.不可动摇的;坚定不移的;
As Peter Levine has said, the human animal is a unique being endowed with an instinctual capacity to heal and the intellectual spirit to harness this innate capacity. 美国心理医师Peter Levine说过 人类是很特别的生物 与生俱来就有疗愈能力 和运用此天赋的智慧
unique:adj.独特的,稀罕的;[数]唯一的;n.独一无二的人或物; endowed:v.赋予;捐赠; instinctual:adj.[生物]本能的; capacity:n.能力;容量;资格,地位;生产力; intellectual:n.知识分子;脑力劳动者;adj.智力的;脑力的;理智的;有才智的; harness:vt.治理; n.马具; innate:adj.先天的;固有的;与生俱来的;
In this respect, for members of society, there is no greater honor or privilege than facilitating that process of healing for someone, to bear witness , to reach out a hand, to share the burden of someone's suffering, and to hold the hope for their recovery. 因此,身为社会的一份子 最荣幸的事 莫过于帮人自我疗愈 见证一切,伸出援手 并分担苦痛 还要坚持人们康复的希望
privilege:n.特权;优待;v.给与…特权;特免; facilitating:v.促进;促使;使便利;(facilitate的现在分词) healing:n.康复; adj.痊愈中的; v.(使)康复,复原; (heal的现在分词) witness:n.证人;目击者;证据;v.目击;证明;为…作证; burden:n.负担;责任;船的载货量;v.使负担;烦扰;装货于;
And likewise, for survivors of distress and adversity , that we remember we don't have to live our lives forever defined by the damaging things that have happened to us. 同样地,我要对那些历尽磨难的人说 我们知道经历过的那些伤害 不会让我们的人生就这样下去
adversity:n.逆境;不幸;灾难;灾祸; defined:adj.有定义的,确定的; v.使明确;
We are unique. We are irreplaceable . 我们是独一无二的
irreplaceable:adj.不能替代的,不能调换的;
What lies within us can never be truly colonized , contorted , or taken away. 心灵无法被占据 扭曲或夺走
colonized:vt.将…开拓为殖民地; vi.开拓殖民地; contorted:adj.弯曲的,扭曲的;v.扭曲;歪曲(contort的过去分词);
The light never goes out. 而光明永存
As a very wonderful doctor once said to me, "Don't tell me what other people have told you about yourself. 如同一位名医对我说过 「不要跟我说别人对你的看法!」
Tell me about you." 「我要听你怎么看待自己!」
Thank you. 谢谢!
(Applause) (掌声响起)