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BethMalone_2017S-_我爸爸的失智症如何改变了我对于死亡（及生命）的看法_
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| I've been doing some thinking. |
我思考了一阵子。 |
| I'm going to kill my dad. |
我要杀了我爸爸。 |
| I called my sister. |
我打电话给我姐姐。 |
| '"Listen, |
「听着, |
| I've been doing some thinking. |
我思考了一阵子。 |
| I'm going to kill Dad. |
我要杀了爸爸。 |
| I'm going to take him to Oregon , find some heroin , and give it to him." |
我要带他去奥勒岗, 找一些海洛因, 给他用。」 |
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Oregon:n.俄勒冈州(美国州名); heroin:n.[药][毒物]海洛因,吗啡;
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| My dad has frontotemporal lobe dementia , or FTD. |
我爸爸有额颞叶型失智症, 也就是 FTD。 |
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frontotemporal:adj.额颞(骨)的:关于额骨与颞骨的; lobe:n.(脑,肺等的)叶;裂片;耳垂;波瓣; dementia:n.[内科]痴呆;
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| It's a confusing disease that hits people in their 50s or 60s. |
是种会让人困惑的疾病, 通常在五、六十岁时发病。 |
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confusing:adj.令人困惑; v.使糊涂; (confuse的现在分词) disease:n.病,[医]疾病;弊病;vt.传染;使…有病;
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| It can completely change someone's personality , making them paranoid and even violent . |
它会完全改变一个人的人格, 让他们偏执,甚至暴力。 |
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personality:n.性格;个性;人格;魅力;气质;名人;特色; paranoid:adj.类似妄想狂的;属于偏执狂的;n.患妄想狂的人;偏执狂患者; violent:adj.暴力的;猛烈的;
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| My dad's been sick for a decade, but three years ago he got really sick, and we had to move him out of his house -- the house that I grew up in, the house that he built with his own hands. |
我爸爸已经病了十年了, 但三年前病况恶化, 我们得把他带离他的房子── 那间房子是我长大的地方, 是他自己用双手建立起来的。 |
| My strapping , cool dad with the falsetto singing voice had to move into a facility for round-the-clock care when he was just 65. |
我的魁梧酷老爸,唱歌时会用假声, 我们得把他送到有日夜照护的机构, 那时他才 65 岁。 |
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strapping:n.鞭打; adj.魁梧的; v.用带捆扎; falsetto:n.假音;假声歌手;[耳鼻喉]男性女声;adj.用假声的;adv.用假声; facility:n.设施;设备;特别装置;特色;场所;天资; round-the-clock:昼夜不停;整天整夜;昼夜不停地;夜以继日的;日夜不停地;连续一整天;
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| At first my mom and sisters and I made the mistake of putting him in a regular nursing home . |
我和我妈妈及姐妹 一开始犯了一个错误, 把他送到一般的安养机构。 |
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nursing home:养老院;
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| It was really pretty; it had plush carpet and afternoon art classes and a dog named Diane. |
那里很漂亮; 有长毛绒地毯,下午有艺术课程, 还有只叫戴安的狗。 |
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plush:adj.豪华的;长毛绒做的;舒服的;n.长毛绒; carpet:n.地毯;v.用地毯铺(房间的)地板;
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| But then I got a phone call. |
但接着,我接到一通电话。 |
| '"Ms. Malone, we've arrested your father." |
「马龙小姐, 我们逮捕了你的父亲。」 |
| '"What?" |
「什么？」 |
| '"Well, he threatened everybody with cutlery . |
「嗯,他拿着餐刀威胁每个人。 |
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cutlery:n.餐具;刀剑制造业;
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| And then he yanked the curtains off the wall , and then he tried to throw plants out the window. |
接着他把墙壁上的帘子扯下来, 然后他试图把植物丢出窗外。 |
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yanked:v.猛拉;猛拽;(yank的过去分词和过去式) off the wall:adj.异乎寻常的;疯狂的,疯疯癫癫的;
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| And then, well, he pulled all the old ladies out of their wheelchairs ." |
接着,他把所有的老太太 都从轮椅上拉下来。」 |
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wheelchairs:[医]轮椅;
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| '"All the old ladies?" |
「所有的老太太？」 |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| '"What a cowboy." |
「好一个牛仔。」 |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| After he got kicked out of there, we bounced him between a bunch of state-run facilities before finding a treatment center specifically for people with dementia. |
在他被赶出去之后, 我们带他去一些公立养护中心, 他总是被撵走, 最后才找到一家 专门为失智症设立的治疗中心。 |
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a bunch of:一群;一束;一堆; state-run:adj.[经]国营的;州立的; facilities:n.设施;设备;特别装置;特色;场所;(facility的复数) treatment:n.治疗;疗法;对待;处理;讨论; specifically:adv.特别地;明确地;
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| At first, he kind of liked it, but over time his health declined , and one day I walked in and found him sitting hunched over on the ground wearing a onesie -- those kinds of outfits that zip in the back. |
一开始,他还蛮喜欢那里的, 但随时间过去,他的健康恶化, 有一天,我去那里时, 发现他坐在地上缩着身体, 穿着连身衣── 背后有拉链的那种连身服装。 |
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declined:v.减少;下降;衰弱;婉言拒绝;(decline的过去分词和过去式) hunched:adj.缩成一团的;v.弯腰驼背(hunch的过去分词); onesie:连体衣;婴儿穿的连身衣;连体服; outfits:n.全套装备; v.装备;
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| I watched him for about an hour as he yanked at it, trying to find a way out of this thing. |
我看了他一个小时, 他一直在拉扯那件连身衣, 试着要把它脱掉。 |
| And it's supposed to be practical , but to me it looked like a straightjacket . |
那本来应该是很实用的服装, 但我只觉得它看起来像紧身约束衣。 |
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supposed:adj.误信的;所谓的;v.认为;假设;设想;(suppose的过去分词和过去式) practical:adj.实际的;真实的;客观存在的;n.实习课;实践课; straightjacket:n.紧身衣;约束物;
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| And so I ran out. |
所以我跑出去了。 |
| I left him there. |
我把他丢在那里。 |
| I sat in my truck -- his old truck -- hunched over, this really deep guttural cry coming out of the pit of my belly . |
我坐在我的卡车里── 那是他的老卡车── 弯着身, 从我的内心深处发出粗啞的哭声。 |
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guttural:adj.咽喉的;喉咙的;喉音的;n.喉音;喉音字; pit:n.深洞;深坑;矿井;麻子;v.使…表面有斑点;在…上打洞;去掉…的果核; belly:n.腹部;胃;食欲;v.涨满;鼓起;
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| I just couldn't believe that my father, the Adonis of my youth, my really dear friend, would think that this kind of life was worth living anymore. |
我就是无法相信,我的父亲, 我年轻时的阿多尼斯, （注:希腊神话中的美少年） 我亲爱的朋友, 会认为这样的生命还值得活下去。 |
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Adonis:n.[希神]阿多尼斯;爱神;美少年;美男子;
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| We're programmed to prioritize productivity . |
我们天生就是会 把生产力排到高优先顺序。 |
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prioritize:v.按重要性排列;划分优先顺序;优先处理; productivity:n.生产力;生产率;生产能力;
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| So when a person -- an Adonis in this case -- is no longer productive in the way we expect him to be, the way that he expects himself to be, what value does that life have left? |
所以当一个人── 在这个例子中是阿多尼斯── 不再有我们期待他应该有的生产力, 不再有他期待他自己 该有的生产力时, 那样的生命还剩什么价值？ |
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productive:adj.能生产的;生产的,生产性的;多产的;富有成效的; in the way:妨碍;挡道;
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| That day in the truck, all I could imagine was that my dad was being tortured and his body was the vessel of that torture. |
那天,在卡车里, 我能想像的只有我爸爸正受到虐待, 而他的身体就是那虐待他的容器。 |
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tortured:adj.遭受重创的; v.拷问; (torture的过去分词和过去式) vessel:n.器皿;轮船;脉管;大船;
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| I've got to get him out of that body. |
我得把他从那身体中救出来。 |
| I've got to get him out of that body; I'm going to kill Dad. |
我得把他从那身体中救出来; 我要杀了我爸爸。 |
| I call my sister. |
我打电话给我姐姐。 |
| '"Beth," she said. |
「贝丝,」她说。 |
| '"You don't want to live the rest of your life knowing that you killed your father. |
「你不会想要带着 你杀了自己爸爸的记忆 度过你的下半辈子。 |
| And you'd be arrested I think, because he can't condone it. |
且我认为你会被逮捕, 因为他无法纵容你做这事。 |
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condone:vt.宽恕;赦免;
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| And you don't even know how to buy heroin." |
而且你甚至不知道去哪买海洛因。」 |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| It's true, I don't. |
是真的,我不知道。 |
| (Laughter) |
（笑声） |
| The truth is we talk about his death a lot. |
事实是,我们常常谈他的死亡。 |
| When will it happen? What will it be like? |
何时会发生？会是怎样的情况？ |
| But I wish that we would have talked about death when we were all healthy. |
但我希望我们在大家都健康时 就已经谈论过死亡。 |
| What does my best death look like? |
我最好的死亡会是什么样子的？ |
| What does your best death look like? |
你最好的死亡会是什么样子的？ |
| But my family didn't know to do that. |
但我的家人之前不知道要那么做。 |
| And my sister was right. |
我姐姐是对的。 |
| I shouldn't murder Dad with heroin, but I've got to get him out of that body. |
我不该用海洛因来谋杀我爸爸, 但我得把他从他的身体中救出来。 |
| So I went to a psychic . |
所以我去找灵媒。 |
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psychic:adj.精神的;心灵的;灵魂的;超自然的;n.灵媒;巫师;
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| And then a priest , and then a support group , and they all said the same thing: sometimes people hang on when they're worried about loved ones. |
接着去找牧师,然后是支持团体, 他们都说一样的话: 有时,人们不愿离开 是因为他们担心他们爱的人。 |
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priest:n.司祭,神父;教士,祭司,僧侣;v.使成为教士;任命…为祭司; support group:n.互助小组;
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| Just tell them you're safe, and it's OK to go when you're ready. |
只要告诉他们你很安全, 准备好了就可以离开,没关系的。 |
| So I went to see Dad. |
所以我去看爸爸。 |
| I found him hunched over on the ground in the onesie. |
我发现他穿着连身衣, 曲身坐在地上。 |
| He was staring past me and just kind of looking at the ground. |
他的视线穿过我,像是看着地板。 |
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staring:adj.凝视的,目不转睛的;显眼的;v.凝视;盯着看;显眼;(stare的现在分词)
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| I gave him a ginger ale and just started talking about nothing in particular , but as I was talking, he sneezed from the ginger ale. |
我给他一瓶姜汁汽水, 开始说话,没聊什么特别的, 但当我在说话时, 他因为姜汁汽水而打噴嚏。 |
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ginger ale:n.姜味汽水;一瓶(或一杯)姜味汽水; in particular:尤其,特别; sneezed:v.打喷嚏;(sneeze的过去分词和过去式)
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| And the sneeze -- it jerked his body upright , sparking him back to life a little bit. |
而那噴嚏让他的身体突然被拉直, 稍稍让他有一点生命的火花。 |
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jerked:v.急拉;猛推;猝然一动(jerk的过去分词和过去式) upright:n.立柱;adj.直立的;挺直的;竖直的;垂直的;adv.竖立着;垂直着; sparking:n.发火花;点火;v.导致(spark的现在分词);发出火星;使大感兴趣;
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| And he just kept drinking and sneezing and sparking, over and over and over again until it stopped. |
他只是不断喝汽水和打噴嚏, 然后有一点火花,一次又一次, 直到停止。 |
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sneezing:n.打喷嚏;v.打喷嚏(sneeze的ing形式); over and over again:adv.一再地;反复不断地;
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| And I heard, "Heheheheheh, heheheheheh ... |
而我听到了, 「嘿嘿嘿嘿嘿, 嘿嘿嘿嘿嘿…… |
| this is so fabulous . |
这实在太棒了。 |
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fabulous:adj.难以置信的;传说的,寓言中的;极好的;
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| This is so fabulous." |
这实在太棒了。」 |
| His eyes were open and he was looking at me, and I said, "Hi, Dad!" |
他的眼睛打开了,他看着我, 我说:「嗨,爸爸！」 |
| and he said, " Hiya , Beth." |
而他说:「你好啊,贝丝。」 |
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Hiya:int.(非正式招呼语)喂,你好
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| And I opened my mouth to tell him, right? |
而我要张开口,告诉他: |
| '"Dad, if you want to die, you can die. |
「爸,如果你想要死,你可以。 |
| We're all OK." |
我们都会没事的。」对吧？ |
| But as I opened my mouth to tell him, all I could say was, "Dad! |
但当我张开口要告诉他时, 我能说的只有:「爸！ |
| I miss you." |
我好想你。」 |
| And then he said, "Well, I miss you, too." |
接着他说:「我也好想你。」 |
| And then I just fell over because I'm just a mess . |
然后我就跌坐下来了, 因为我是一团糟。 |
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mess:n.混乱;餐厅;杂乱;肮脏;v.使不整洁;弄脏;弄乱;随地便溺;
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| So I fell over and I sat there with him because for the first time in a long time he seemed kind of OK. |
我跌坐下来,我和他坐在那里, 因为这么久以来, 他第一次看起来似乎很好。 |
| And I memorized his hands, feeling so grateful that his spirit was still attached to his body. |
我记着他的手, 非常感恩他的心灵 还和他的身体连结在一起。 |
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memorized:v.记忆;记住(memorize的过去分词和过去式) attached:adj.依恋;v.重视;把…固定;(attach的过去分词和过去式)
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| And in that moment I realized |
在那一刻,我了解到, |
| I'm not responsible for this person. |
我不用对这个人负责。 |
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responsible:adj.负责的,可靠的;有责任的;
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| I'm not his doctor, |
我不是他的医生, |
| I'm not his mother, |
我不是他的母亲, |
| I'm certainly not his God, and maybe the best way to help him and me is to resume our roles as father and daughter. |
我肯定不是他的神, 也许,幫助他和我最好的方式, 就是继续扮演我们的父女角色。 |
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resume:n.简历;v.继续;重返;
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| And so we just sat there, calm and quiet like we've always done. |
所以我们就坐在那里, 像过去一直以来那样,沉静、安静。 |
| Nobody was productive. |
没有人有生产力。 |
| Both of us are still strong. |
我们两个人都还很坚强。 |
| '"OK, Dad. I'm going to go, but I'll see you tomorrow." |
「好了,爸,我要走了, 但我明天会再来看你。」 |
| '"OK," he said. |
「好,」他说。 |
| '"Hey, this is a pretty nice hacienda ." |
「嘿, 这是个挺好的大庄园。」 |
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hacienda:n.大庄园;
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| Thank you. |
谢谢。 |
| (Applause) |
（掌声） |