返回首页

AlyssaMonks_2015X-_失去如何帮助画家寻找不完整中的美_
I'm a painter. 我是一名画家。
I make large-scale figurative paintings, which means I paint people like this. 我专攻大型具象绘画, 也就是说,我画的人物 都是这样的。
large-scale:adj.大规模的,大范围的;大比例尺的; figurative:adj.比喻的;修饰丰富的;形容多的;
But I'm here tonight to tell you about something personal that changed my work and my perspective . 但是我今天来这里,是想和大家分享 一些改变了我的作品和想法的私事。
personal:adj.个人的;身体的;亲自的;n.人事消息栏;人称代名词; perspective:n.观点;远景;透视图;adj.透视的;
It's something we all go through, and my hope is that my experience may be helpful to somebody. 这是我们都曾经历过的事, 我希望我的经历会对更多的人有所帮助。
To give you some background on me, I grew up the youngest of eight. 首先从我的背景说起,我是家里八个孩子中最小的。
Yes, eight kids in my family. 是的,我们家中有八个孩子。
I have six older brothers and a sister. 我有六个哥哥和一个姐姐。
To give you a sense of what that's like, when my family went on vacation, we had a bus. 为了给你们一种更加直观的感觉, 我们家出游度假, 都是用大巴的。
(Laughter) （笑声）
My supermom would drive us all over town to our various after-school activities — not in the bus. 我的超级妈妈会开车把我们送往城中各处, 送我们去参加各自的课后活动－ 不是用大巴。
after-school activities:课外活动;
We had a regular car, too. 我们家也是有普通车的。
She would take me to art classes, and not just one or two. 她会把我送去美术课, 各种美术课。
She took me to every available art class from when I was eight to 16, because that's all I wanted to do. 在我八岁到十六岁之间,她让我参加所有能参加的美术课。 因为那确实是我想做的。
She even took a class with me in New York City. 她甚至在纽约城里和我一起上课。
Now, being the youngest of eight, I learned a few survival skills. 作为家中最小的孩子,我学会了一些生存技能。
survival:n.幸存,残存;幸存者,残存物;
Rule number one: don't let your big brother see you do anything stupid. 规则一: 永远别让你的哥哥们看见你做傻事。
So I learned to be quiet and neat and careful to follow the rules and stay in line. 所以我学会了安静与干净, 小心行事,遵守规矩。
neat:adj.整洁的;整齐的;有序的;有条理的;
But painting was where I made the rules. 但是在绘画的世界中就是我说了算。
That was my private world. 那是我的自我世界。
By 14, I knew I really wanted to be an artist. 我十四岁大的时候就决心做一名画家。
My big plan was to be a waitress to support my painting. 我的宏伟计划是准备当一名服务生来支持我的绘画开支。
waitress:n.女服务员;女侍者;vi.做女服务生;
So I continued honing my skills. 我持续磨练我的技能。
honing:v.磨练,训练;磨(刀);(hone的现在分词)
I went to graduate school and I got an MFA, and at my first solo show, my brother asked me, "What do all these red dots mean next to the paintings?" 我进入了研究生院并获得了硕士学位, 在我第一次个人展中,我的哥哥问我, “那些画旁边的红点是什么意思？”
graduate school:研究所,研究院; solo:n.独奏; adj.独奏的; v.单人攀登; v.单独地;
Nobody was more surprised than me. 没人比我更加惊讶了。
The red dots meant that the paintings were sold and that I'd be able to pay my rent with painting. 那些红点意味着画已经卖出, 我也就有能力支付 我绘画的贷款了。
Now, my apartment had four electrical outlets , and I couldn't use a microwave and a toaster at the same time , but still, I could pay my rent. 那时,我的公寓有四个插座, 没法同时使用微波炉和烤面包机, 但是,我至少可以付清我的租金了。
electrical:adj.有关电的;电气科学的; outlets:n.出路;销售点;排水口;批发商点(outlet的复数形式); microwave:n.微波; toaster:n.烤面包器,烤箱;祝酒人;烤面包的人; at the same time:同时;另一方面;与此同时;
So I was very happy. 所以我很开心。
Here's a painting from back around that time. 这是一幅我当时的绘画作品。
I needed it to be as realistic as possible. 我希望画中的形象越真实越好。
realistic:adj.现实的;现实主义的;逼真的;实在论的;
It had to be specific and believable. 形象必须要具体且令人信服。
specific:adj.特殊的,特定的;明确的;详细的;[药]具有特效的;n.特性;细节;特效药;
This was the place where I was isolated and in total control. 这是一个让我感到独立,感到有掌控感的地方。
isolated:adj.偏远的; v.隔离,孤立,脱离;
Since then, I've made a career of painting people in water. 自此,我开始专攻描绘水中的人们。
career:n.职业;事业;生涯;经历;
Bathtubs and showers were the perfect enclosed environment. 浴缸和淋浴是完美的封闭环境。
Bathtubs:n.浴缸(bathtub的复数形式); enclosed:adj.封闭的;附上的;v.把…围起来;围住;附上;(enclose的过去分词和过去式)
It was intimate and private, and water was this complicated challenge that kept me busy for a decade. 这些让人们感到亲密而隐秘, 水这个复杂的挑战也让我忙了有十年。
intimate:n.知己; v.暗示; adj.亲密的; complicated:adj.复杂的;难懂的;v.使复杂化;(complicate的过去分词和过去式)
I made about 200 of these paintings, some of them six to eight feet, like this one. 我创作了大约200幅这样的作品, 其中一些有6到8英寸大, 就跟这幅差不多。
For this painting, I mixed flour in with the bathwater to make it cloudy and I floated cooking oil on the surface and stuck a girl in it, and when I lit it up, it was so beautiful I couldn't wait to paint it. 为了这幅画,我把面粉撒进洗澡水,让它看起来烟雾缭绕, 然后在表面浮上一层烹饪油, 再放上一个女孩, 当我把它照亮, 那画面太美了,我都等不及马上要去画。
bathwater:n.浴缸里的水;洗涤用水;
I was driven by this kind of impulsive curiosity , always looking for something new to add: vinyl , steam, glass. 我被这种冲动的好奇心所驱使, 总在寻找画作的新元素: 黑胶唱片,水蒸气,玻璃。
impulsive:adj.冲动的;受感情驱使的;任性的; curiosity:n.好奇,好奇心;珍品,古董,古玩; vinyl:n.乙烯基;
I once put all this Vaseline in my head and hair just to see what that would look like. 我曾经把凡士林涂得头上到处都是, 就为了看看效果。
Vaseline:n.凡士林,[油气]矿脂;
Don't do that. 千万别那么做。
(Laughter) （笑声）
So it was going well. 一切都进行的很顺利。
I was finding my way. 我找到了自己的风格,
I was eager and motivated and surrounded by artists, always going to openings and events. 被其他的画家包围着, 我是如此渴望,如此充满动力, 我去参加各种开幕式和活动。
motivated:adj.有动机的; v.使产生动机;
I was having some success and recognition and I moved into an apartment with more than four outlets. 我取得了更多的成功和认可, 所以我能够搬到一个不止四个插座的公寓里去。
recognition:n.识别;认识;承认;认可;
My mom and I would stay up very late talking about our latest ideas and inspiring each other. 我和妈妈会熬夜谈论 我们的最新想法,从而激励对方。
inspiring:adj.鼓舞人心的;灌输的;v.鼓舞;激发;使感悟;(inspire的现在分词)
She made beautiful pottery . 她做的陶器很美。
pottery:n.陶器;陶器厂;陶器制造术;
I have a friend named Bo who made this painting of his wife and I dancing by the ocean, and he called it "The Light Years." 我有一个叫博的朋友,他画了一幅画, 描绘了我和他的妻子在海边跳舞。 他给这幅画取名叫《光年》。
I asked him what that meant, and he said, "Well, that's when you've stepped into adulthood , you're no longer a child, but you're not yet weighed down by the responsibilities of life." 我问他那是什么意思,他回答说: “嗯,当你已经步入成年,你就不再是一个孩子, 但你还没有权衡好生活的责任。”
adulthood:n.成年;成人期;
That was it. It was the light years. 就是这个,这就是光年。
On October 8, 2011, the light years came to an end. 2011年10月8日, 光年终于来到了尾声。
My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer . 我妈被诊断出了肺癌。
diagnosed:v.诊断(疾病);判断(问题的原因);(diagnose的过去分词和过去式) cancer:n.癌症;恶性肿瘤;
It had spread to her bones, and it was in her brain. 癌已经扩散到骨髓和大脑。
When she told me this, I fell to my knees. 当她告诉我这件事时,我跪倒了。
I totally lost it. 我完全不知所措。
And when I got myself together and I looked at her, 当我整理好头绪,望向她,
I realized, this isn't about me. 我意识到我不是重点,
This is about figuring out how to help her. 重点是如何帮助她。
My father is a doctor, and so we had a great advantage having him in charge, and he did a beautiful job taking care of her. 我的父亲是一名医生, 所以让他负责治疗有很多好处, 他很好的照料了她。
advantage:n.有利条件:优势:优点:
But I, too, wanted to do everything I could to help, so I wanted to try everything. 但是,我也想尽一切努力帮助她, 我想尝试任何可能。
We all did. 我们都这样做了。
I researched alternative medicines, diets, juicing, acupuncture . 我调查了其他可行的药物, 饮食,果汁,针灸。
alternative:adj.供选择的;选择性的;交替的;n.二中择一;供替代的选择; acupuncture:vt.对…施行针刺疗法;n.针刺;[中医]针刺疗法;
Finally , I asked her, "Is this what you want me to do?" 终于,我问她, “这是你想让我为你做的吗？”
Finally:adv.终于;最终;(用于列举)最后;彻底地;
And she said, "No." 她说:“不。”
She said, "Pace yourself. I'm going to need you later." 她说:“做你该做的,我以后会需要你的。”
She knew what was happening, and she knew what the doctors and the experts and the internet didn't know: how she wanted to go through this. 她知道正在发生的一切, 她还知道医生, 专家和网络不知道的: 她自己想要怎样度过这一切。
I just needed to ask her. 我需要的仅仅是问她就好。
I realized that if I tried to fix it, 我意识到如果我想要修复这一切,
I would miss it. 我就会错过这一切。
So I just started to be with her, whatever that meant and whatever situation came up, just really listen to her. 所以我决定守护在她身边。 不管情况变得怎样, 我需要去听她的想法。
If before I was resisting , then now I was surrendering , giving up trying to control the uncontrollable and just being there in it with her. 以前我会抗拒,但之后我开始屈服, 放弃尝试去控制那些不可控的东西。 我就在那儿,和她在一起。
resisting:adj.稳定的;坚固的;v.抵抗;忍住(resist的现在分词); surrendering:v.投降;(被迫)放弃,交出;(surrender的现在分词) uncontrollable:adj.无法控制的;无法管束的;难以驾驭的;
Time slowed down, and the date was irrelevant . 时间放慢了脚步, 日期开始变得模糊。
irrelevant:adj.不相干的;不切题的;
We developed a routine. 我们设计了新的日常。
Early each morning I would crawl into bed with her and sleep with her. 每天早上我都会拱进她的被窝和她一起。
crawl:v.爬;匍匐行进;(昆虫)爬行;缓慢行进;n.爬泳;缓慢的速度;自由泳;
My brother would come for breakfast and we'd be so glad to hear his car coming up the driveway . 我哥哥会过来一起吃早饭, 当听见他的车驶入车道,我们会很开心。
driveway:n.(从建筑物,住房,车库等通往大路的)私人车道;
So I'd help her up and take both her hands and help her walk to the kitchen. 我就会握住她的双手,扶她起来, 带她走到厨房。
She had this huge mug she made she loved to drink her coffee out of, and she loved Irish soda bread for breakfast. 她有这样一个自己做的大马克杯, 她喜欢把一大杯咖啡都喝掉, 她也喜欢早餐的爱尔兰苏打面包。
mug:n.指圆筒形;啤酒杯;(非正式)傻瓜;(非正式)脸;v.抢劫;做鬼脸; soda bread:n.苏打面包(爱尔兰人常吃);
Afterwards was the shower, and she loved this part. 之后就是洗澡, 这是她钟爱的环节。
She loved the warm water, so I made this as indulgent as I could, like a spa. 她享受温暖的水浴, 我会尽量帮她放松, 像做 spa 一样。
indulgent:adj.放纵的;宽容的;任性的;
My sister would help sometimes. 我的姐姐有时会来帮忙。
We had warm towels and slippers ready immediately so she never got cold for a second. 我们会快速准备好 温暖的毛巾和拖鞋, 这样她就不会着凉。
slippers:n.拖鞋(slipper的复数形式);
I'd blow-dry her hair. 我会吹干她的头发。
blow-dry:vt.用吹风机吹干;vi.用电吹风器将头发吹干;n.吹干头发;
My brothers would come in the evenings and bring their kids, and that was the highlight of her day. 到了晚上,哥哥们会带着他们的孩子来, 那是她一天当中最精彩的部分。
highlight:vt.突出;强调;使显著;加亮;n.最精彩的部分;最重要的事情;加亮区;
Over time, we started to use a wheelchair , and she didn't want to eat so much, and she used the tiniest little teacup we could find to drink her coffee. 一段时间以后,我们开始使用轮椅, 她不再吃那么多, 她使用我们能找到的最小的茶杯来喝咖啡。
wheelchair:n.轮椅; teacup:n.茶碗,茶杯;一茶杯容量;心理极其脆弱,不堪一击的人;
I couldn't support her myself anymore, so we hired an aide to help me with the showers. 我一个人已经不足以支持她了, 所以我们雇了一个助手来帮助我为她洗澡。
These simple daily activities became our sacred ritual , and we repeated them day after day as the cancer grew. 这些简单的日常活动, 逐渐变成了一种神圣的仪式, 随着癌症的扩散, 我们日复一日的重复这些日常。
ritual:n.仪式;惯例;礼制;adj.仪式的;例行的;礼节性的; day after day:日复一日;
It was humbling and painful and exactly where I wanted to be. 我们承受着痛苦和卑微, 但也正是我愿意经受的。
humbling:adj.令人羞辱的;v.羞辱(humble的ing形式);使…谦恭;使…卑贱; painful:adj.痛苦的;疼痛的;令人不快的;
We called this time "the beautiful awful." 我们把这称为“美丽的痛楚“。
She died on October 26, 2012. 她死于2012年10月26日。
It was a year and three weeks after her diagnosis . 这是离她诊断出癌症一年零三周之后。
diagnosis:n.诊断;
She was gone. 她离开了。
My brothers, sister, and father and I all came together in this supportive and attentive way. 我的哥哥们,姐姐,父亲还有我, 大家一起以这种支持和关爱的方式一路走来。
supportive:adj.支持的;支援的;赞助的; attentive:adj.留意的,注意的;
It was as though our whole family dynamic and all our established roles vanished and we were just all together in this unknown, feeling the same thing and taking care of each other. 那就好像是我们整个家庭的动力, 突然我们所有的角色都消失了, 我们就一起面对这全新的未知, 怀着相同的感受, 照顾彼此。
dynamic:n.动力; adj.充满活力的; established:adj.已确立的;著名的;v.建立;创立;设立;(establish的过去分词和过去式) vanished:v.消失了;突然消失;消亡;绝迹;(vanish的过去分词和过去式)
I'm so grateful for them. 我真心感激他们。
As someone who spends most of my time alone in a studio working, 作为一个大部分时间都独自待在画室工作的人,
studio:n.工作室;[广播][电视]演播室;画室;电影制片厂;
I had no idea that this kind of connection could be so important, so healing . 我以前对这种联系感 如此重要,如此治愈的联系感,毫无概念。
healing:n.康复; adj.痊愈中的; v.(使)康复,复原; (heal的现在分词)
This was the most important thing. 这是最重要的事情。
It was what I always wanted. 这就是我一直追寻的。
So after the funeral , it was time for me to go back to my studio. 在葬礼之后,我就该回到我的画室了。
funeral:n.葬礼;麻烦事;adj.丧葬的,出殡的;
So I packed up my car and I drove back to Brooklyn, and painting is what I've always done, so that's what I did. 所以我就收拾好车,开回了布鲁克林, 绘画是我一直以来从事的,也是我之后会一直做的。
And here's what happened. 然后一些事情发生了:
It's like a release of everything that was unraveling in me. 我感到了身体中的释放感。
release:v.释放;发射;让与;允许发表;n.释放;发布;让与; unraveling:v.解开,拆散,散开;(unravel的现在分词)
That safe, very, very carefully rendered safe place that I created in all my other paintings, it was a myth . 那个我在其他画作中, 精心创造出的安全之地, 烟消云散。
rendered:v.使成为;给予;提供;回报;递交;(render的过去分词和过去式) myth:n.神话;虚构的人,虚构的事;
It didn't work. 它不再起作用了。
And I was afraid, because I didn't want to paint anymore. 我很害怕,我不想再画下去了。
So I went into the woods. 所以我跑进了小树林里。
I thought, I'll try that, going outside. 我想着,尝试出去画。
I got my paints, and I wasn't a landscape painter, but I wasn't really much of any kind of painter at all, so I had no attachment , no expectation , which allowed me to be reckless and free. 我带上颜料,但我并非风景画家, 其实我什么画家也不是, 没有附属感,没有期望感, 这让我可以完全自由,不计后果地创作。
landscape:n.景观;乡村风景画;(文件的)横向打印格式;v.对…做景观美化;美化…的环境; attachment:n.附件;依恋;连接物;扣押财产; expectation:n.预料;预期;期待;希望;指望; reckless:adj.鲁莽的,不顾后果的;粗心大意的;
I actually left one of these wet paintings outside overnight next to a light in the woods. 我留了一副未干的画, 在外面过夜, 把它放在了小树林中一盏路灯的旁边。
overnight:adj.夜间的; v.在夜间; n.(美)前一天的晚上;
By the morning it was lacquered with bugs . 等到第二天早上很多虫子都被漆在画里了。
lacquered:adj.涂漆的;喷漆的;v.涂漆(lacquer的过去分词); bugs:n.缺陷;虫子;窃听器;(bug的复数)v.窃听;使烦恼;(bug的第三人称单数)
But I didn't care. It didn't matter. It didn't matter. 但我并不关心,我对此感到毫无所谓。
I took all these paintings back to my studio, and scraped them, and carved into them, and poured paint thinner on them, put more paint on top, drew on them. 我把这些画都带回了我的画室, 我在画上进行刮刻, 我把涂料稀释剂倒在画上, 倒更多的染料在上面,在顶层作画。
scraped:v.刮掉;削去;擦坏;擦伤;刮坏;(scrape的过去分词和过去式) carved:v.雕刻;刻;把(熟肉)切成块;(carve的过去分词和过去式) poured:v.使(液体)连续流出;倾倒;倒出;喷发;(pour的过去分词和过去式)
I had no plan, but I was watching what was happening. 我毫无计划, 但我看到了发生的一切。
This is the one with all the bugs in it. 这就是当时那幅有好多小虫在里面的画。
I wasn't trying to represent a real space. 我没有尝试去创作真实的空间。
represent:v.代表;表现;描绘;回忆;再赠送;
It was the chaos and the imperfections that were fascinating me, and something started to happen. 是其中的混乱感和不完整感让我感到着迷, 随后一些事情发生了。
chaos:n.混沌,混乱; imperfections:n.不合格折贴(imperfection的复数); fascinating:adj.极有吸引力的;迷人的;v.深深吸引;迷住;(fascinate的现在分词)
I got curious again. 我的好奇心回来了。
curious:adj.好奇的,有求知欲的;古怪的;爱挑剔的;
This is another one from the woods. 这是在小树林里的另一幅画。
There was a caveat now, though. 不过现在多了一份解释。
caveat:n.警告;告诫;
I couldn't be controlling the paint like I used to. 我无法像以前一样去控制我所画的。
It had to be about implying and suggesting, not explaining or describing . 我需要去暗示,启发, 而非解释,描述。
implying:v.意味;暗示;隐含;(imply的现在分词) describing:v.描述;形容;把…称为;做…运动;(describe的现在分词)
And that imperfect, chaotic , turbulent surface is what told the story. 那不完美的,混沌的,湍流的表面 给我们讲述了故事的经过。
chaotic:adj.混沌的;混乱的,无秩序的; turbulent:adj.骚乱的,混乱的;狂暴的;吵闹的;激流的,湍流的;
I started to be as curious as I was when I was a student. 我开始变得好奇,就像我学生时代那样。
So the next thing was I wanted to put figures in these paintings, people, and I loved this new environment, so I wanted to have both people and this atmosphere . 所以,我开始想把人物放进这些绘画当中, 我喜欢这个新的环境, 我希望人物和这环境融为一体。
atmosphere:n.大气;气氛;气压;风格;
When the idea hit me of how to do this, 当这种想法降临,
I got kind of nauseous and dizzy , which is really just adrenaline , probably, but for me it's a really good sign. 我感到了恶心和眩晕, 可能只是因为肾上腺素的原因, 但这对我来说是一个好的迹象。
nauseous:adj.令人作呕的;厌恶的; dizzy:adj.晕眩的; vt.使头晕眼花; adrenaline:n.[生化]肾上腺素;
And so now I want to show you what I've been working on. 所以,我现在想展示给你们我最近从事的作品。
It's something I haven't shown yet, and it's like a preview , I guess, of my upcoming show, what I have so far. 这是一些我还没来得及展示的,我想,就把它当作 我即将到来的画展预告吧。 迄今为止,
preview:n.预览;试映;事先查看;vt.预览;预演;事先查看; upcoming:adj.即将来临的;
Expansive space instead of the isolated bathtub. 这广阔的空间, 而非孤立的浴室。
Expansive:adj.广阔的;扩张的;豪爽的;
I'm going outside instead of inside. 我要出去,而非进来。
Loosening control, savoring the imperfections, allowing the imperfections. 放开控制感, 体味不完整, 允许那些不完整。
Loosening:v.(使)放松,变松;解开,松开(loosen的现在分词) savoring:n.尽情享受;仔细品味;v.尝到(savor的ing形式);
And in that imperfection, you can find a vulnerability . 在那些不完整中, 你能找寻到脆弱。
vulnerability:n.易损性;弱点;
I could feel my deepest intention , what matters most to me, that human connection that can happen in a space where there's no resisting or controlling. 我能感知到我最深处的意图,对我最重要的, 是那些发生在开阔空间中的, 毫无抵抗和控制的,人与人之间的联系。
intention:n.意图;目的;意向;愈合;
I want to make paintings about that. 我想要对此作画。
So here's what I learned. 这就是我学到的。
We're all going to have big losses in our lives, maybe a job or a career, relationships, love, our youth. 我们都会经历人生中的重创, 也许是一份工作,事业, 关系,爱,我们的青春。
We're going to lose our health, people we love. 我们终究丧失健康, 我们爱的人。
These kinds of losses are out of our control. 这些失去都不是我们能控制的。
They're unpredictable , and they bring us to our knees. 它们是无法预测的, 它们让我们跪倒在地,
unpredictable:adj.不可预知的;不定的;出乎意料的;n.不可预言的事;
And so I say, let them. 所以我说,让它们来吧。
Fall to your knees. Be humbled . 跪倒在地,变得谦逊。
humbled:使...卑下;轻松打败(尤指强大的对手);贬低(humble的过去式和过去分词);
Let go of trying to change it or even wanting it to be different. 我们应该放弃改变它, 或是希望它变得不同。
It just is. 让它那样吧。
And then there's space, and in that space feel your vulnerability, what matters most to you, your deepest intention. 在那种时刻, 尝试感知你的脆弱, 去想对你最重要的事, 你心底的意图。
And be curious to connect to what and who is really here, awake and alive. 抱着好奇的心里, 与周围活生生的事物和人, 联系起来。
It's what we all want. 这就是我们所需要的。
Let's take the opportunity to find something beautiful in the unknown, in the unpredictable, and even in the awful. 让我们把握机会,去发现那些存在于 未知,不可预测, 甚至可怕的事物中的美吧！
Thank you. 谢谢。
(Applause) （掌声）